Lace & Lilac

Shit

2010-09-27T17:36:00.001-07:00

It catches up to you.

do nothing but sigh

2010-06-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Currently writing from the Telecounseling Office where I've been sitting with my awesome headset for the last two hours, chatting with high school children about potential visits and applications to Coe. I want to scream, "DON'T LISTEN TO ME." I want to send them hidden messages in my speeches about extracurricular activities. I want to tell them that I know nothing about the Business department but that I do know how to bullshit my way through classes.

I've been doing a lot of reading for my research project with Dr. Bob. I mean, I have been doing a lot of reading. A lot. It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't reading all of the prefaces written by the entire freshman class last year for their First Year Seminar portfolios. I will sum it up for you:

1. Writing. Worse than war.
2. I thought I could just write the paper like I did in high school. But then I got it back with red marks so I cried. But then my essay got wet and the red marks ran and I didn't know how to revise so I went to the Writing Center and they fixed my paper for me. Now I'm smart.
3. I'm actually smart but grouped with a ton of crazies so I sound crazy too.

I will be beyond happy when this project is completely finished.

News:
1. Visitors!
2. My birthday!
3. Birthday boyfriend visit!
4. Wine!
5. Wine wine wine!
6. I applied for a job at St. Luke's so I really need some wine.

2010-05-19T19:56:00.001-07:00

Hello from New Zealand! It's been awhile since I've updated, but that's what happens with you travel to the Southern Hemisphere without a computer. Currently I'm on Dr. Bob's netbook, which is currently holding all of my photographs that I've taken thus far and a bit of writing.

Currently I'm in Masterton, a town in the southern bit of the North Island of New Zealand. If I could pronounce or remember the names of the mountain ranges in the area I would talk about them more, but I can't so I won't say anything else besides driving through them with Dr. Bob is terrifying. We've been to Auckland too. Traveled to Wellington, the capital of NZ, and then drove here. We've visited Cape Palliser and the Palliser Pinnacles. We've seen the ocean and the black sand. Saw a huge seal colony playing in the water. Climbed 250 stairs to a red and white lighthouse. We've been to native bush, tramping through rocky and muddy trails. We've even walked a swinging rope bridge across a gorge. My clothes are extremely dirty. Everywhere is cold. No buildings have heating, so they use space heaters and heated comforters in their beds. The hot water doesn't last very long so you have to take very fast showers.

We've met some very awesome Kiwis. Barry and cattle and sheep farmer, showed us how they use their dogs to gather sheep. He let us driving his 4 wheeler. Colin and Jenny made us the BEST dinner thus far and were like grandparents, taking us to see their favorite parts of NZ.

Last night John and I made stir fry and it was amazing. And we didn't have class last night. Hurray!

Next we head to Castlepoint, which is far from everything so we have to buy enough food for the entire week we will spend there. Hopefully the southerly we're having will blow over and we'll get to see the sunshine and tuck away our rain jackets.

Okay, enough of this boring stuff for now. Don't know where I'll get to write again so until next time...

truth

2010-05-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

Perks of being homeless:

1. Not living with your crazy mother.
2. Not living with your mother, who is crazy.
3. Not living with a crazy woman who is your mother.

Sounds good to me.

fr kyl

2010-05-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

http://laceandlilac.tumblr.com/

thoughts to have at the mechanics

2010-05-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest, I tend to get a bit personal here. Also, I don't give a flying fuck.

Lately I've been thinking about the world. (After puncturing a tire with something larger than a nail but sharper than a bolt and sitting on the ground while watching the mechanic sew it all up again.)

The world in the form of my thoughts:
1. We consider it our world because we've claimed possession. Like stealing a bike or the last piece of German Chocolate Cake. The fact that we are the world's bitches is known by all but kept hush-hush by most.
2. The world is called Earth. We are Earthlings.
3. Some of us Earthlings are worldy. Worldly Earthlings are aware of the world and are active participators. They draw pictures of the Earth.
4. Some of us are not worldy. Un-worldy Earthlings are out-of-this-world. Many make alien movies. Some commit suicide.
5. The Earth is round (relatively). Our heads are round (relatively). The Earth is our head. Our heads are the Earth.
6. The moon orbits around the Earth. No one knows if the Earth wants it to or not.
7. The Earth orbits around the Sun. There's a similar sentiment.
8. The Earth is made of chemistry. It is an unlikely happening. Or perhaps unabated.
9. Earthlings that move about the Earth, living in one place and then the next are called nomads.
10. There are two types of Earthlings. 1. Nomads and 2. the type that (like dogs) crawl under the front porch to die. The front porch may also be called Florida.

I am a nomad.

2010-04-29T00:42:00.001-07:00

Note to self: Stop reading what you know you shouldn't be.

i'll bartend your party

2010-04-29T00:20:00.000-07:00

I would like to take this moment to recognize two things:

1. I cannot go to bed before four in the morning anymore. Somewhere along the line (the line being drawn between moving home from NY and today) I made the mistake of staying up very late, therefore waking up late the next day. Following said day came many more in which the pattern followed. Long story short, I am awake now, and after falling asleep, will not be awake again until tomorrow at two. Post Meridiem. That's about four hours of sunshine. Is also means that I eat breakfast at 2:30, lunch at 6:30, and dinner around 10. And of course, there's the before bed snack. It's a cruel cycle and I dread (look forward to) the day I have to wake up before noon.

2. Making a mix tape is very difficult. Especially when it's for a music lover who probably has more music than you do. Painstaking.

Schedule for the rest of the week:

Thursday: Wake up. Text Emily while she's in her night class reminding her that she has to ask the sexy classmate out on a date.
Friday: Wake up. Go to the Credit Union with Dad. Dentist appointment. Orioles game.
Saturday: Wake up. Find something to do that's not blogging.

2010-04-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

Dear future me,

Go outside. Find a patch of sunshine and follow it across the ground like a cat in a carpeted house with lots of windows. You need color and those sunshine-y vitamins.

Finish cleaning. Ignore the fact that your ceiling has collapsed (pictures later?) and carry-on.

Pack. Can be done once the cleaning is finished.

Start eating healthy. And by that I mean start cooking.

You're lazy and hazy.

- Me from now

2010-04-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

Back from the beach, all! Rehoboth is shiny as usual, with shell-speckled beaches, cold water, and an array of dead horseshoe crabs. Also, I am deciding to lay off the booze, after 100 rounds of Sorry and crab dip at a local bar.

I'm getting used to traveling light. This weekend was spent entirely in the same pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt. When the underwear got dirty, they were simply removed. And by dirty I mean probably are but it isn't obvious, dirty. Anyways, It was a free weekend.

In other news, I have my backpack prepared for hiking. Water bottle, water-proof clothing and compressable sleeping bag on deck. How many days left? 12 days, folks. Less than two weeks and I'm off again.

Baseball game this weekend? Yes.
Cleaning and packing? Yes.
As many home-cooked meals as possibly while I'm here seeing as I can't cook? Yes.

You should listen to The Cave Singers. Now.

the bauhaus

2010-04-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

Wassily Kandinsky, Transverse Line 1923

No need to look up any other Bauhaus artists (Josef Albers, Laszlo Moholy-Nagy, Max Bill or Herbert Bayer). Or you could, just for giggles.

i thought that...

2010-04-16T00:02:00.001-07:00

This is me giving a big thumbs up to grunge. I mean downright dirty. Dirty clothes, hair, and teeth. (Think big woolen, teethy, sweater vests with faux-fur hood.) I mean haven't a clean pair of underwear in sight. Hidden, perhaps, but definitely not in range of my eyes. I mean, straight-up, no joke, not messing around - everything around me is pure raunchy.

In other news, I quite enjoy being back here. By here I mean Lace&Lilac the page specifically. This place is shiny like I remember. A home away from home of sorts, minus the roadkill of a saying. I love talking about nothing in hopes that one day I will print everything out, rearrange, staple and sign by a false name. I will stuff the printed manuscript of a blog into someones mailbox (anyone's, preferably in a Jewish neighborhood). I will let them deal with it. If it's never published in any form, there will be no dashed dreams for this girl. Nope.

I would never consider myself the kind of person to have a published blog. In fact, that seems like unnecessary stardom. I'd feel naked. I'd feel covered in peeping-tom eyes. Which brings me to another consideration- why the fuck do I have a blog?

I should sleep. That thing that people do when it gets dark in their room. (Er, one of the things.)

misery

2010-04-13T16:07:00.001-07:00

It's official. Being home is probably the worst thing I've ever experienced. Not only is the house (literally) falling apart, not only do I not have anywhere to sleep, not only am I going to be alone and without transportation for the next three days, but I have no money.

I am without money, without a car, without anyplace to go. My check from school still hasn't come. I'm getting worried, especially with a $200 credit card bill to pay by the 15th. I may just spend my time worrying at Emily's house while we watch movies and drink wine. Oh, also, I still have to go to the laundromat to wash my clothes. Because our dryer's broken.

On that note, New York is consuming me. I spend my time on Craig's List looking at available apartments in Brooklyn and Washington Heights. I look for jobs and find none. It's just out of reach and frustrating. I need to get it out of my system.

i was the fool beside you

2010-04-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

There are a few things that have frightened me lately.

1. My inability to go to bed before 4 in the morning.
2. My inability to wake up before 2 in the afternoon.
3. My lack of plans in general.
4. The lack of people to talk to in real life as opposed to via electronics.
5. The giant hole in my ceiling.
6. My disinterest in music.

I've noticed that showers are perfect for when you're bored. Also, Apartment Therapy isn't therapy at all, rather, a mental train wreck for the poor and apartmentless.

Where are you New York? Why have you gone from my life. You're hard but you're easy. Come back.

the places to live

2010-04-11T21:11:00.001-07:00

I am officially back. And what I mean is that I am officially back in Baltimore.

Adjusting to the move from NYC to Baltimore is harder than I expected. Moving to NYC was difficult. Everywhere the spaces are smaller. The supermarkets are tiny, the streets are tiny, my room was tiny. Everywhere there are people. So many people that you don't notice them. There is always something to do. To get anywhere you have to walk or take the subway or both. It's far more expensive.

Not Baltimore. Today I went to the supermarket. First, I had to drive there. I had to get into the car, adjust all of the mirrors, the seat and the stearing wheel. I had to find the right radio station. (Classic rock.) Once I got to the store, I had to park. I parked as far away as possible, to say away from where all the cars were. Finally - the store. There were so many aisles - so much space and so few people. I felt exposed, like everyone saw me. It was stressful, to say the least. And parallel parking once I was back home? Impossible. I had to call for help.

The good news? Now that I'm back home, I have time to do my writing and it's socially acceptable to wear sweatpants.

I'm going to be sentimental about the situation. I like and dearly miss NYC and know for a fact that I will be living there with the ones I love and living in an apartment with my own puppy and my own plants. Is that too much to ask, you think?

Only one year of college left. The last year will inevitably the hardest but then I get to live. I mean really live.

someone to tell me what to do

2010-01-13T23:42:00.001-08:00

I hate men. They are so fickle.

I need my Marylanders here. Bad.

heart skipped a beat

2010-01-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Things:

1. Calls.
2. Okay.
3. Chat.
4. Snow.
5. Parking.
6. Dirt.
7. China.
8. Baths.
9. Money.
10. Laundry.
11. Groceries.
12. Bus.
13. City.
14. Sleep.

empire state of mind

2010-01-06T17:39:00.000-08:00

Hello there. Long time no see! For future reference, I have made a blog for my travels in New York. I'll still be writing here, though. This is my personal blog. I don't think I could give it up if I tried. But if you want to know what I'm up to in detail while I'm living in the Upper West Side - read me here.

winter, vivaldi

2009-12-30T12:21:00.000-08:00

Let's pretend that it isn't cold. Go outside in tees and shorts. Eat snow and dirt and gravel.

On another note: my word count journal is kicking my ass. I keep forgetting about it.

And another: I'm going to West Virginia on a whim. To get away for awhile, ya hear?

Also, I think I'll start reading Wall Street Journal. For kicks.

twelve left

2009-12-28T14:01:00.000-08:00

An indie folk-rock band from Portland, Horse Feathers is perfect for this cold windy day. The album Words Are Dead is cleverly heartbreaking with experimental stringed-instrument riffs. Imagine a violin in a cold stream. Babbling. Next to an abandoned chapel. Which is also an acoustic guitar. Also, note the beautiful cover art! Favorite tracks: "Finch On Saturday" and "Falling Through The Roof."

In more recent news, I got a wonderful pair of suede boots from the thrift store for three dollars. They're a wonderful shade of red-brown and perfect for tramping.

thirteen left

2009-12-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

Please let this break be over.

sayulita

2009-12-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

The plants aren't looking so good. The house is flooding. It's the day after Christmas and I believe I'll spend it reading.

hear them talkin' bout me

2009-12-24T17:48:00.000-08:00

That last post was a little much.

In other news, people are literally going crazy on the streets. Driving around today was pure chaos. If I never have to go grocery shopping again, I will be a very happy woman.

And, I've been listening to a lot of new music that I think I should make mention of. My album of the day is Welcome Joy by The Cave Singers. This band's from Seattle, made up of old Pretty Girls Make Graves members, and is whimsical. Favorite tracks are "Hen Of the Woods" and "Beach House." Absolutely beautiful collection of music. Think warm hardwood floors and rusty spokes on a bike covered in ivy. You fix up that bike, sir. You ride it.

i learned a song on guitar for you, you fucker

2009-12-23T20:51:00.001-08:00

Aw fuck. Devendra look-a-like is gone. I'm shitfaced. Wishing I were still out at Frazier's. And somehow, I feel SO alive (which sounds ridiculous) that it's unbelievable. I want to see him and you and it hurts but it's easy. Fuck.

On a good note, I get to see an old friend tomorrow.

Also - a really old and really embarrassing photograph for you to enjoy.

OH, OH. I forgot. A LAWYER MAN bought me my drinks. I'm so proud of myself.

dote

2009-12-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

Another Justin Vernon collaboration, Volcano Choir is stunning. The album Unmap is 35.2 minutes of experimental ambiance. Think burnt lace and coniferous.

Halfway through myself, I find that I can do nothing except listen and wish I was at a cabin on Deep Creek Lake. Or maybe in the bed of a moving pickup.

so much to say

2009-12-22T19:43:00.001-08:00

"There's a lot of love, but not the kind I need."
- Devendra Banhart, Pumpkin Seeds

you may be blue

2009-12-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life." - Gwendolen to Jack in The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde

if i lived in china

2009-12-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

If I could have anything, it would be a man like this.

In other news, last night was Thanksgiving for me and Darlene! (Minus turkey, plus chicken.) It was delicious. Today, I was sent on grocery shopping errands and it was a disaster. What I learned is that a grocery store is really just a place where you are constantly questioning who you are. Example: Where would I be if I were a can of water chestnuts? It's unbelievable.

And on that note, 'unbelievable' is my new word. Maybe I've just become a bitter east-coaster again, but literally everything that happens is unbelievable. I promise.

Also, this year for Christmas I am celebrating like any good Jew. Chinese food and a movie.

The bear dreams are back.

Finally. There is this film by Kevin Barker coming out (possibly showing at the Sarasota Film Festival) called The Family Jams that I NEED to see. It follows an early tour of Devendra Banhart, Joanna Newsom and Vetiver's. Must have, folk(s or whoever reads this).

the love's in the closet

2009-12-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

"She wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet." - Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

i should have been a farmer

2009-12-21T14:58:00.000-08:00

"It isn’t the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer, it’s what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening." - Pema Chodron

asofterworld for the win

2009-12-21T11:04:00.000-08:00

Really. It's like they can read my mind.

nose

2009-12-20T23:29:00.001-08:00

I used to hate my nose. You should be happy to hear that I no longer do.

darling

2009-12-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

"I'm a romantic; a sentimental person thinks things will last, a romantic person hopes against hope that they won't." - Fitzgerald

when i lived alone

2009-12-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

I think Justin Vernon and I would be very good friends. He could sing and play guitar to me, make me mimosa and let me scratch his head.

On another note, shoveling. The shoveling that I cannot do because I have no idea where the snow shovel is. I contemplated using a normal shovel and came to the quick conclusion that it was a stupid idea. And - I brought out The Boots. Why did I do such? Because of The Snow. I'm sure you understand.

Anyways.

my feet weren't made for the sea

2009-12-19T23:42:00.000-08:00

I just can't win, can I?

french

2009-12-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

"Toute méchanceté vient de faiblesse." - Rousseau

unite us as lovers

2009-12-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

December Playlist, starting and ending with Devendra Banhart. (Of course. He's sexy. See pic above, found on his Last.fm page.) Some songs are old and some are new. Enjoy reading and make your own if you wish!

Last Song For B - Devendra Banhart
Baltimore Blues No. 1 - Deer Tick
Hen Of The Woods - The Cave Singers
Start A War - The National
There's A Willow - Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions
(Don't Tremble) - The Low Anthem
I'll Be On The Water - Akron/Family
Fearless - Pink Floyd
I Can See The Pines Are Dancing - A. A. Bondy
Vampire - Pink Mountaintops
Maundering - Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
Prehensile Dream - The Bad Plus
Fifteen Minutes Old - Snow Patrol
Lullabye - Grizzly Bear
Lay Me Down ft. Glen Hansard - Damien Rice
California -Semisonic
With Arms Outstretched - Rilo Kiley
Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian
Some Things Last A Long Time - Beach House
Rats - Devendra Banhart

vivere senza rimpianti

2009-12-19T14:58:00.001-08:00

Here's the thing. I left Iowa to get away from being caged all the time. Little did I know that Maryland would be 100x worse. It has snowed almost 2 feet in less than a day and the entire city is shut down. No one can go anywhere. Darlene is sleeping at the hospital. All of my friends are in hibernation. (Probably together.) Goddammit.

Enough about that. More about the LDR. (By LDR, I really mean the LD(non)R.) Do you follow? No? Okay, let me put it simply. LDR's do NOT work. By God, don't do it. You hear me? Don't fall for the, "It'll work out this time" or the "I'll try harder." Disclaimer: It is not anyone's fault that it doesn't work out. It's just the fact that two people are wonderful when they're together, and more likely than not, they will not be wonderful when they are not together. No. One's. Fault.

People do not change. Deep down in the bone people are the same as they always were. I will forever believe this.

So what do you do? Listen to songs with harmonica and banjo. Operas or classicals. Carly Simon and Peter Frampton. IcyHot that shit away! Whatever gets the ache to subside.

Personally, (I think) I know what I want in a R. I want art. Which probably doesn't make any sense but it's what I want. Artful spontaneity and faithfulness. I want to move to an apartment and share it with someone. I want to work at a bookstore or coffeeshop. Or a bookstore with a coffeeshop. I want to audition in my spare time. I want to forever keep in touch. Postcards. I want to get lots of postcards in the mail.

Most of all, I want to one day not want anymore. Because realizing that I want so much really sucks.

Side note: I regret so much from this last six months. I wish I could take them all back. Give them back to me, oh mighty keeper of time? Pretty please? I promise I'll re-do them well.

I also wish I could tell you more...that I could say all of the things that are in my head. Like, "I do think you're attractive" and, "I dream about dancing with you at a nice dinner party. We both wear gray."

Vivere senza rimpianti my ass.

yes, just yes

2009-12-19T01:38:00.000-08:00

This made me ridiculously happy. Enjoy.

tonight we're gonna find our lover

2009-12-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

84. It makes sense, yes? Yes.

peter frampton

2009-12-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

My house is cold. The kind of cold that makes ghosts hunker down together for body heat. The cold that doesn't belong inside.

But it's here and unlike the ghosts, I have no one to be close to.

brambles

2009-12-17T22:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but I am only able to write on this when I'm home. I suppose it's because I relate the two together - I started writing here so I may as well finish writing here. Not that I will finish. Can blogs be finished? They're not like poems or short fiction (which are never really finished either, just published). Anyway(s).

If you didn't figure it out, I'm home. In Baltimore! It's rather nice. I don't remember the last time I saw consecutive hours of sunshine. It's not cold but it is windy, which isn't pleasant.

Things I haven't been missing:

The house. This is in utter shambles. Still.
My room. It's small and now filled with plants. Ferns, trees and a cactus garden.
Narrow and busy streets at all hours. Having to drive everywhere.
Having dishes to wash.
Darlene sending me on random errands.
Being alone during the day.

Things I have been missing:

My new(ish) bed. It's soft and has wheels which I can't explain.
Bastet and Sheba the kittens. Even though they may have flees. I don't want to know, really.
As much as I hate being out on the streets, I do appreciate the light and noise. It's constant and puts me to sleep.
Making my own food. Sandwiches, potatoes with cheese, chipped beef gravy. Down-home stuff.
My crazy ass friends, all of whom are inappropriate in every way and rude.
Darlene, even though she is equally as insane. It's amazing how much more you love your mother after you graduate from high school.

I am missing other things. Like you and him and them. To say much more would be bitter but omission is betrayal and god forbid there was much more of that.

To bed? Probably not. I guess I'll continue reading Stephen King's Cell. That's the kind of person I am these days. A Stephen King person, whatever that means.

when she's here

2009-11-25T19:08:00.001-08:00

Fuck mountains.

I want wide horizons that frame the ocean.

old bay

2009-08-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a libertine. I'm single for the first time in a long time. I'm a woman in interesting times. I'm a product of mass consumerism but I've planted my own garden. I'm able to drive wherever I want, listening to whatever radio station I'd like to. I can run away. I'm a student and I can legally drink. I enjoy America's favorite passtime and am lucky enough to live on the coast. I can hangout with whoever and write whatever the hell I want.

Folks, I'm feeling just fine and for once in my life I have no plans.

move those chains

2009-08-14T13:42:00.001-07:00

I rarely hate anyone. Especially people that I've never met.

But let me tell you, I have more hatred in my body for her than for everything and everyone else combined. I also hate him for being so nice to her. Still.

If I ever met her, shit would hit the fan.

watching soap operas

2009-08-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

The best cure for a hangover is more apple moonshine.

Also, I'm going to my first Ravens game tonight. Hurray.

how could you be so heartless

2009-08-10T13:06:00.001-07:00

One hundred degrees outside. One hundred degrees inside. I must be in hell.

baltimore

2009-08-09T15:02:00.001-07:00

Moving back into the row-home in the city:

Pros: near friends, fun neighborhood, quality time with my mother, change of scenery.
Cons: no airconditioning, no room to unpack, broken dryer, less privacy, no grass.

Six days left until the move to Iowa.

halleluia

2009-08-07T05:53:00.000-07:00

Last day of camp! I am rejoicing.

Also. Packing was far more difficult than I thought. I had to give up around 1:30 because I convinced myself that my clothes have grown bigger just to spite me.

Another note. Neighbors that decide to mow their lawns at 7 A.M. are jackasses.

my, my, my

2009-08-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

Found: selected poems.
Lost: count.
In search of: patience and spontaneity.

you came, you saw, you sawed her brain

2009-08-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

I can't think of anything more than trivial to write. Tonight I have to pack to move back to Baltimore and then to Cedar Rapids. Tomorrow is the last day of camp and then opening (and closing) night for the show. I'm very proud of the kids even though they are wily. Saturday morning I leave for Nissan Pavilion in Virginia where I'll be staying overnight to see a concert. Sunday night I'll spend with Dar. I'm already planning December.

Next Monday through Saturday?

Possibly: Raven's game, golf, the beach, road trips, makeshift speedos, camping.
Definite: sleeping in and abundant farewell drinks to bid goodbye to a great end of summer.

2009-07-30T21:52:00.001-07:00

I have too much music.

great song

2009-07-27T19:16:00.000-07:00

"When I look back all I see is another reason to go." - Vetiver

get that dirt off ya shoulda

2009-07-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

All things considered, I'm in a pretty good mood.

Shocker.

conor oberst

2009-07-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

"You spend your precious time trying to decorate your life." - Moab

when you think you've met someone

2009-07-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today- 7 months.
Tomorrow- Work.
Wednesday- Work.
Thursday- Work.
Friday- Work. Something.
Saturday- CAKE at Artscape. Fun at my house.
Sunday- Six Flags. Possibly.

here's how things go

2009-07-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone sucks because everyone has flaws.

winter break

2009-07-12T13:50:00.001-07:00

I would very much like to stay in a bed and breakfast in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Why?

Slurpee capital of the world. Winnipeg Bear (Winnie-the-Pooh.) Neil Young, The Weakerthans and The Wailin' Jennys. Residents of Winnipeg are called Winnipeggers.

That's all I need to say.

the question of the day

2009-07-11T14:37:00.001-07:00

Why does everyone choose to be an asshole on the same day?

YESYESYES

2009-07-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

A wee fantastic blog:

My First Dictionary

things i established about little kids

2009-07-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

1. they cry about everything
2. they complain when they're not crying
3. sugar is a no-go
4. morning classes are painful
5. they need break time and constant attention
6. they have to go to the bathroom frequently
7. they get stomach aches when they don't want to participate
8. they remember nothing you say when you're trying to tell them something but rememeber everything else
9. they like holding hands with each other
10. they giggle

i hope it will be worth what i give up

2009-07-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

If I had the opportunity to travel I would do it. No matter what. I would drop the money. I would take the time. I do these kinds of things.

Some say I'm spontaneous, but I know that's not the right word. I'm not spontaneous. Quite the opposite really because I think everything through. I know my next move.

The problem is, I don't know yours. And it's probably not surprising.

losing hope is easy

2009-07-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

Amen to that.

do you have some plans for me

2009-06-29T22:51:00.001-07:00

Hey. It's my birthday. Which doesn't mean much at all.

Is a phone call too much to ask for?

le booklist

2009-06-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

1. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
2. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
3. The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
4. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
5. The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
6. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
7. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
8. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

there is no leaving new york

2009-06-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

If today was an sign of the summer to come, I'm a bit concerned.

I woke up at 9:00 in the morning to take my dog for a walk. I couldn't go back to sleep so I showered and then proceeded to put my pajamas back on and watch television. I found myself hungry around 1:00, walked my dog again, and then (in my pajamas) went to Taco Bell for breakfast. Which I ate in a McDonalds parking lot. The family came home around 3:00, where they found my sorry ass playing drums on Rockband. I played all night, through 35 of 58 songs of a solo tour, and then came up here to bed.

Instead of sleeping, I decided to check facebook and then do a bit of writing. Thus far, all I've managed to write is "I will not give in" about 900 times.

On another note, my birthday is in two days. For the past couple of years, I have had shitty birthday weeks due to relationship problems. I refuse to let this happen. If this means convincing myself I'm not in a relationship, then so be it. Which sounds more horrible than it is...but I don't care. I'm desperate.

Isn't it horrible how you always imagine your birthday being so much better than it is? You imagine surprise parties and friends popping out behind your couch when you get home from work. You imagine finding your lover naked in your bed full of rose petals. (Too much? Maybe.) Damndamndamn. I will not get my hopes up!

I. Will. Not. Give. In!

you are so sweet dancing

2009-06-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

There are many things happening in the next (that have happened in the past) few days. Kate turned twenty-one yesterday. Famous people died today. Kate's party is tomorrow. I'm home alone all weekend while my sisters are playing lax in New Jersey (ew). Doug turns twenty-one on the twenty-eighth. I work from 12:00 until 8:00 on Saturday at the recreation center. I have to drive the truck which is causing anxiety. The dog is sick so I have to make sure it doesn't die on my watch. Camp starts on Monday. My twenty-first birthday is on Tuesday. I'm celebrating on the Fourth of July. I'm not sure which drink to order first. I guess my life is pretty random these days.

I took some pictures today.

I am hoping that I can find a crochet needle soon because I have so much yarn here in my room just calling for me. I'm also hoping that it rains because it's far too hot in my house. If it rains, I'll open all of our windows and doors and try to blow all the hot air out and replace it with cool air. Maybe then I would be able to go to sleep at a decent hour. I guess I should also lay off the Mountain Dew. I think it's making my nerves bad. Or my hands jittery. I've also been drinking a ton of water...which I've heard is a good thing. On July 7th, Ani DiFranco is playing at Rams Head Live! and I'm really hoping that Kate will be able to get off of work that day to go with me because I've heard that Ani is amazing live. I would hate to have to go alone, but I would do it if I had to.

I like waking up early to bid good days at work to people. I also like random letters of desperation to people that I've never met. However, I don't like walking miles in the heat to the nearest mailbox to mail said letters. I think I need to do some more reading on poetry. I haven't been up to writing much besides these blog entries and a few random beginnings of stories. I'm currently listening to the new Regina Spektor cd entitled Far. It's pretty much exactly what I expected, which I suppose is neither a good nor bad thing. I do love Hombre Lobo by Eels, though. It's decent.

I need to buy my plane ticket back to Iowa. I think I'm going to go for orientation week and work in the Theatre or in the Library. I would very much like to be a part of Pieces of the Puzzle again. (Let us cross our fingers.)

Counting down the days until you.

hail to whatever

2009-06-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

If there is anything I've been missing these days, it's having a good friend around to talk to me about what's going on. And by friend I mean an unbiased and out-of-the-loop kind of friend. One that I can talk to about my love life, my home life, and my future plans without worrying that I'm rambling and talking to a brick wall. That's how I feel about a lot of people these days. Maybe it's the heat but I've felt so unnecessary. I have so many plans that I just haven't had the chance to talk about with anyone. I'm not used to having plans. I guess I don't make them often because I am scared of (and scarred from) disappointment, which is pretty sappy. I have plans for after college. If I don't make it into the grad schools I want, I want to apply for the Peace Corps. I like to think I'm strong enough for that sort of thing.

This weekend made me realize several things: I now know what I want. I now know that I have severe anxiety over how to get and more importantly, how to keep what I want. I now know that I need a hobby (bought a ton of yarn today to start a new blanket) and I need work to start at the camp. I need to keep faith. I've been contemplating going to church again, another thing I haven't shared with anyone. I've been reading about Buddhism, about freeing oneself from all desires. I've been praying. Whatever that even means. I've gone to sleep early and woke early for several days now. It feels nice to be awake more often than not.

I have to worry about after school. I think about the buffer period between graduation and my own life. I think about how the buffer can turn into a period of static and stasis. I think about saving money just in case. Money for a few months in my own apartment. Money for traveling. Money for gas. Money for food. I think about setting a schedule for writing. Amy Tan of The Joy Luck Club and Saving Fish From Drowning said that she writes from 9 in the morning until 7 at night every day until publication. I think about what kind of dedication that takes and if I have it in me. I think about if I want to be a writer at all.

I think about my back up plan. My just in case. My excuse. I think about the job before the career, if I'll even have a career. I wonder if I'll wander from audition to audition, hoping that my talent and experience will be enough to cover the type-casting I'll face. I'm hoping, and this a big hoping, that it'll be easier than I imagine. I'm hoping that I'll get married because I'm a big fan of romance. I'm hoping that I will be unlike my own parents, not that I'm not glad that they are divorced. I look forward to having a dog and my own bed, even if it's just a mattress on the floor of an apartment. I look forward to sharing these things with a man that I love.

I will try my best. I will make it through the summer. I will not let the past few weeks repeat themselves.

these hazards of love never more will trouble us

2009-06-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

Which is worse?

Having or not having? Wanting or not wanting? Knowing or not knowing?

I am

2009-06-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

not cut out for the LDR. Period.

i'm nobody without you, buddy

2009-06-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

85. The cure to the blues is a box of Franzia before going to watch a band you don't care for play a lovely set of songs you don't know. (With friends, of course.)

I'm being sincere.

i don't know what i can save you from

2009-06-11T21:43:00.001-07:00

Things I dislike:

Driving.
Living 30 minutes away from civilization.
Flash floods.
Dial-up internet.
Sleeping in a cold room.
Being completely alone for an entire weekend.
Watching and scoring 8 soccer games in a row.
Playing guitar.
Not being able to sleep until 4 a.m and then sleeping in until 2 p.m the next day.
Everything long-distance.

Things I like:

People who are never content. (Aka: the emotional ones.)
Fuzzy and stolen hotel blankets...on my bed.
Hon Fest weekend.
Green Tiffany lamps.
The blue heron hanging out on our pier.
Salami sand mayo sandwiches.
Looking forward to travel plans.
Rehearsals every night, all night.
Large bottles of White Zin.
Peanut butter on apples.

we were sparkling

2009-06-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern:

Please don't let this be a repeat of last year.
Let the waves of all things bad be calm.
I mean, jesus. How much _____ can one person take?

Thanks.

you make me feel poetic

2009-06-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

Ask Me

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

~ William Stafford

day by day

2009-06-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

86. Don't get your hopes up.

there's always been change

2009-06-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Traveling north, traveling north to find you.
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
Call out your name love, don’t be surprised.

It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles but it won’t be long.

What will I do if there’s someone with you
Maybe someone you’ve always known.
How do I know I can come and give to you
love with no warning and find you alone?

It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles and it won’t be long.

Train Song (Vashti Bunyan)

ain't got no

2009-06-04T22:07:00.001-07:00

Fuck it.

oh my

2009-06-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was wonderful.

Woke up at 5.
Caught the Megabus (ONE DOLLAR) to New York City.
Drove for almost 4 hours.
Almost froze to death.
Bought a sweatshirt and some summer dresses.
Went to Junior's to eat an early dinner and get cheesecake.
Saw Hair.
Remembered why I'm studying theatre.
Also rediscovered how poor I'm going to be.
Went to an Irish pub because it was pouring rain outside.
Caught the Megabus home.
Went to bed.

Lovely.

take it from me

2009-06-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight is very much like the night I read The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot to you until you drifted off to sleep.

I miss those nights. And that book...

my only vice

2009-05-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

87. There are six degrees of separation between you and every other person on this planet. Be kind and rewind.

how itchy i am

2009-05-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

Love is a shadow.
How you lie and cry after it.
Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.

All night I shall gallup thus, impetuously,
Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,
Echoing, echoing.

~ excerpt from Elm by Sylvia Plath

this is, after all, a journal

2009-05-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

Right now I am watching the History Channel, eating Reese's Pieces and drinking apple juice, and waiting for my eczema (now over both arms, hips and the back of my knees) to stop itching. I wish it were sunny out so that I could go kayaking or fishing, but it's not. I may work on some writing or play guitar...neither of which I can do very well.

I'm not looking forward to the rest of the week. Thursday I have a not-so-fun doctor's appointment and Friday I have to get a few fillings at the dentist's office. Woohoo...

I want to be buried in a biodegradable cemetary. A place that looks like a park instead of a city of tombstones. Wrapped in a shroud and placed in the Earth to turn into soil and plants.

you're standing on the toilet?

2009-05-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today, under the impression of my most fluent muse, I realized that my prose was actually poetry and spent some time translating. And then I wrote a second poem on top of that, which poured out of my fingers like wine and probably gave me carpal tunnel.

I am glad I'm not single. I'm also glad that it's raining. Neither of which have anything to do with anything.

elegy

2009-05-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from The Fifth Elegy (for Frau Hertha Koenig) by Rainer Maria Rilke.

Angel, there's a place beyond us, and there
on the unsayable carpet, lovers display what now
they can never bring up to knowing - their bold
high figures of heartplay, their
long-since groundless ladders, leaning
on only each other, tremulously, - and know
before the surrounding onlookers, innumerable soundless deaths.
Who then throws their last, ever-hoarded,
ever-concealed, unknown, eternally
valid coins of luck before the finally
truly-smiling pair on the stilled
carpet?

Goodnight Mr. Gingercat. (You're a goddamned whore!)

2009-05-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

88. The trouble is, bad things happen to good people. Question yourself: Am I a good person? If the answer is yes, then bad things will most likely happen to you. Example: Today I got sunburn AND a mosquito bite. Damn!

i hate the word moist

2009-05-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

89. You will not remember anything important you said for future reference, but you will remember the last time you got really drunk. Moral of the story? Write much, drink little.

Read: Cartographies of Silence by Adrienne Rich.

i suppose you know the angst

2009-05-20T19:25:00.001-07:00

this is the season

2009-05-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

We had a cookout today. Photographs ensued, of course.

technicalities

2009-05-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

Why I Am Not a Painter
by Frank O'Hara

I am not a painter, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a painter, but I am not. Well,

for instance, Mike Goldberg
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and have a drink" he
says. I drink; we drink. I look
up. "You have SARDINES in it."
"Yes, it needed something there."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and the days
go by. I drop in. The painting is
finished. "Where's SARDINES?"
All that's left is just
letters, "It was too much," Mike says.

But me? One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES. And one day in a gallery
I see Mike's painting, called SARDINES.

you put yourself between you and your pride

2009-05-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with collecting beautiful things.

little pieces of people we have been

2009-05-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

90. You will try to learn new things. Like technical terms for poetry. Anapest, spondee, tetrameter. You will read much and understand little. You will read and read and read...and learn. But just a bit. You know why? Because the only way to learn something is to live it.

everyone i know has got a reason

2009-05-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

91. You will make wish lists for you birthday and you will not get anything on them. (You have a very expensive taste, and let's face it, everyone is broke these days.)

1. Moroccan Lantern, UO, $120

2. Wine Sleeve, UO, $10

3. Rag Shag Rug, UO, $18

4. WeSC Oboe Headphones, UO, $50

5. Same Edelman Sahara Heel, UO, $158

6. Frye Emily Slingback Platform, UO, $170

7. Hunter Green TOMS, www.tomsshoes.com, $44

with an aching in my head

2009-05-18T15:17:00.001-07:00

92. There will be a recession and you will drop all future career plans and contemplate becoming a stay at home mom. And then you will snap out of it and realize how silly you are.

2009-05-17T22:54:00.001-07:00

We expected something,
something better than before.
We expected something more.

You were always weird, but
I never had to hold you by the edges
like I do now.

~ Start a War (The National)

let me apologize

2009-05-17T00:08:00.001-07:00

play that chord one more time.
you know i'm waiting.
it's the quiet that makes the song.
no, it's the absence of light that makes it.
play that chord and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing,
and my mind won't shut down.

~

play that chord one more time
cuz i'm singing, we're singing.
laughter fills the room
and pulls towards another nights' close.
and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing
and my mind won't shut down.
idle and waiting (umbrellas)

~

everyone is idle and waiting.
i'm waiting, i'm waiting.

~

idle and waiting (umbrellas)

the world turned over

2009-05-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

93. There will always be things to look forward to. Examples: seeing Hair on Broadway, turning 21, studying in Manhattan for a semester (holy shit), and potential spontaneous road trips.

CD Releases to Watch For

2009-05-14T18:12:00.000-07:00

May 19th
Iron & Wine - Around the Well

May 26th
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

June 2
311 - Uplifter
Dave Matthews Band - Whiskey and the Groogrux King
Eels - Hombre Loco

June 9th
Sonic Youth - The Eternal

June 16th
Incubus - Moments and Melodies (Greatest Hits)

June 23rd
Dinosaur Jr. - Farm
Patterson Hood (Drive-by Truckers) - Murdering Oscar (And Other Love Songs)
The Mars Volta - Octahedron
Regina Spektor - Far
Third Eye Blind - Ursa Major
Pete Yorn - Back and Forth

June 30th
Wilco - Wilco (The Album)

July 7
Son Volt - American Central Dust

Also, I anticipate the release of albums from The Shins, Spoon, and Tegan & Sara sometime later this year. Interesting.

everybody smiled

2009-05-14T05:04:00.001-07:00

94. There are things that you will not understand right away. But when the answer comes to you? My, how bright it'll be!

all that i want

2009-05-14T04:50:00.001-07:00

95. You will go camping. And you will wish you had one of these...

sweet afron

2009-05-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

96. There are days, long and humid days, when you will find yourself entirely alone. Go outside. Take a deep breath. Light up a cigarette. Pull yourself together and then continue.