my only vice
87. There are six degrees of separation between you and every other person on this planet. Be kind and rewind.
how itchy i am
Love is a shadow.
How you lie and cry after it.
Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.
All night I shall gallup thus, impetuously,
Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,
Echoing, echoing.
~ excerpt from Elm by Sylvia Plath
How you lie and cry after it.
Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.
All night I shall gallup thus, impetuously,
Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,
Echoing, echoing.
~ excerpt from Elm by Sylvia Plath
this is, after all, a journal
Right now I am watching the History Channel, eating Reese's Pieces and drinking apple juice, and waiting for my eczema (now over both arms, hips and the back of my knees) to stop itching. I wish it were sunny out so that I could go kayaking or fishing, but it's not. I may work on some writing or play guitar...neither of which I can do very well.
I'm not looking forward to the rest of the week. Thursday I have a not-so-fun doctor's appointment and Friday I have to get a few fillings at the dentist's office. Woohoo...
I want to be buried in a biodegradable cemetary. A place that looks like a park instead of a city of tombstones. Wrapped in a shroud and placed in the Earth to turn into soil and plants.
I'm not looking forward to the rest of the week. Thursday I have a not-so-fun doctor's appointment and Friday I have to get a few fillings at the dentist's office. Woohoo...
I want to be buried in a biodegradable cemetary. A place that looks like a park instead of a city of tombstones. Wrapped in a shroud and placed in the Earth to turn into soil and plants.
you're standing on the toilet?
Today, under the impression of my most fluent muse, I realized that my prose was actually poetry and spent some time translating. And then I wrote a second poem on top of that, which poured out of my fingers like wine and probably gave me carpal tunnel.
I am glad I'm not single. I'm also glad that it's raining. Neither of which have anything to do with anything.
I am glad I'm not single. I'm also glad that it's raining. Neither of which have anything to do with anything.
elegy
Excerpt from The Fifth Elegy (for Frau Hertha Koenig) by Rainer Maria Rilke.
Angel, there's a place beyond us, and there
on the unsayable carpet, lovers display what now
they can never bring up to knowing - their bold
high figures of heartplay, their
long-since groundless ladders, leaning
on only each other, tremulously, - and know
before the surrounding onlookers, innumerable soundless deaths.
Who then throws their last, ever-hoarded,
ever-concealed, unknown, eternally
valid coins of luck before the finally
truly-smiling pair on the stilled
carpet?
Angel, there's a place beyond us, and there
on the unsayable carpet, lovers display what now
they can never bring up to knowing - their bold
high figures of heartplay, their
long-since groundless ladders, leaning
on only each other, tremulously, - and know
before the surrounding onlookers, innumerable soundless deaths.
Who then throws their last, ever-hoarded,
ever-concealed, unknown, eternally
valid coins of luck before the finally
truly-smiling pair on the stilled
carpet?
Goodnight Mr. Gingercat. (You're a goddamned whore!)
88. The trouble is, bad things happen to good people. Question yourself: Am I a good person? If the answer is yes, then bad things will most likely happen to you. Example: Today I got sunburn AND a mosquito bite. Damn!
i hate the word moist
89. You will not remember anything important you said for future reference, but you will remember the last time you got really drunk. Moral of the story? Write much, drink little.
Read: Cartographies of Silence by Adrienne Rich.
Read: Cartographies of Silence by Adrienne Rich.
technicalities
Why I Am Not a Painter
by Frank O'Hara
I am not a painter, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a painter, but I am not. Well,
for instance, Mike Goldberg
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and have a drink" he
says. I drink; we drink. I look
up. "You have SARDINES in it."
"Yes, it needed something there."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and the days
go by. I drop in. The painting is
finished. "Where's SARDINES?"
All that's left is just
letters, "It was too much," Mike says.
But me? One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES. And one day in a gallery
I see Mike's painting, called SARDINES.
by Frank O'Hara
I am not a painter, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a painter, but I am not. Well,
for instance, Mike Goldberg
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and have a drink" he
says. I drink; we drink. I look
up. "You have SARDINES in it."
"Yes, it needed something there."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and the days
go by. I drop in. The painting is
finished. "Where's SARDINES?"
All that's left is just
letters, "It was too much," Mike says.
But me? One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES. And one day in a gallery
I see Mike's painting, called SARDINES.
little pieces of people we have been
90. You will try to learn new things. Like technical terms for poetry. Anapest, spondee, tetrameter. You will read much and understand little. You will read and read and read...and learn. But just a bit. You know why? Because the only way to learn something is to live it.
everyone i know has got a reason
91. You will make wish lists for you birthday and you will not get anything on them. (You have a very expensive taste, and let's face it, everyone is broke these days.)
1. Moroccan Lantern, UO, $120
2. Wine Sleeve, UO, $10
3. Rag Shag Rug, UO, $18
4. WeSC Oboe Headphones, UO, $50
5. Same Edelman Sahara Heel, UO, $158
6. Frye Emily Slingback Platform, UO, $170
7. Hunter Green TOMS, www.tomsshoes.com, $44
1. Moroccan Lantern, UO, $120
2. Wine Sleeve, UO, $10
3. Rag Shag Rug, UO, $18
4. WeSC Oboe Headphones, UO, $50
5. Same Edelman Sahara Heel, UO, $158
6. Frye Emily Slingback Platform, UO, $170
7. Hunter Green TOMS, www.tomsshoes.com, $44
with an aching in my head
92. There will be a recession and you will drop all future career plans and contemplate becoming a stay at home mom. And then you will snap out of it and realize how silly you are.
We expected something,
something better than before.
We expected something more.
You were always weird, but
I never had to hold you by the edges
like I do now.
something better than before.
We expected something more.
You were always weird, but
I never had to hold you by the edges
like I do now.
~ Start a War (The National)
let me apologize
play that chord one more time.
you know i'm waiting.
it's the quiet that makes the song.
no, it's the absence of light that makes it.
play that chord and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing,
and my mind won't shut down.
~
play that chord one more time
cuz i'm singing, we're singing.
laughter fills the room
and pulls towards another nights' close.
and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing
and my mind won't shut down.
idle and waiting (umbrellas)
~
everyone is idle and waiting.
i'm waiting, i'm waiting.
~
idle and waiting (umbrellas)
you know i'm waiting.
it's the quiet that makes the song.
no, it's the absence of light that makes it.
play that chord and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing,
and my mind won't shut down.
~
play that chord one more time
cuz i'm singing, we're singing.
laughter fills the room
and pulls towards another nights' close.
and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing
and my mind won't shut down.
idle and waiting (umbrellas)
~
everyone is idle and waiting.
i'm waiting, i'm waiting.
~
idle and waiting (umbrellas)
the world turned over
93. There will always be things to look forward to. Examples: seeing Hair on Broadway, turning 21, studying in Manhattan for a semester (holy shit), and potential spontaneous road trips.
CD Releases to Watch For
May 19th
Iron & Wine - Around the Well
May 26th
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest
June 2
311 - Uplifter
Dave Matthews Band - Whiskey and the Groogrux King
Eels - Hombre Loco
June 9th
Sonic Youth - The Eternal
June 16th
Incubus - Moments and Melodies (Greatest Hits)
June 23rd
Dinosaur Jr. - Farm
Patterson Hood (Drive-by Truckers) - Murdering Oscar (And Other Love Songs)
The Mars Volta - Octahedron
Regina Spektor - Far
Third Eye Blind - Ursa Major
Pete Yorn - Back and Forth
June 30th
Wilco - Wilco (The Album)
July 7
Son Volt - American Central Dust
Also, I anticipate the release of albums from The Shins, Spoon, and Tegan & Sara sometime later this year. Interesting.
Iron & Wine - Around the Well
May 26th
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest
June 2
311 - Uplifter
Dave Matthews Band - Whiskey and the Groogrux King
Eels - Hombre Loco
June 9th
Sonic Youth - The Eternal
June 16th
Incubus - Moments and Melodies (Greatest Hits)
June 23rd
Dinosaur Jr. - Farm
Patterson Hood (Drive-by Truckers) - Murdering Oscar (And Other Love Songs)
The Mars Volta - Octahedron
Regina Spektor - Far
Third Eye Blind - Ursa Major
Pete Yorn - Back and Forth
June 30th
Wilco - Wilco (The Album)
July 7
Son Volt - American Central Dust
Also, I anticipate the release of albums from The Shins, Spoon, and Tegan & Sara sometime later this year. Interesting.
everybody smiled
94. There are things that you will not understand right away. But when the answer comes to you? My, how bright it'll be!
sweet afron
96. There are days, long and humid days, when you will find yourself entirely alone. Go outside. Take a deep breath. Light up a cigarette. Pull yourself together and then continue.
fast car
99. Time flies. Period.
You get these feelings that you could be something. So be something.
100th Note to Self
100. No matter what haircut you get, you will regret it.
So. I've decided to leave a little trail of Notes to Self behind me. That way, 100 posts later, I will have more tidbits of wisdom than I ever could have wished for.
quotation
"It’s a wonder I’m even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself. But there’s something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes." ~ Augusten Borroughs
next stop: vegas, please
I'm on my way to something much bigger and I can taste it.
It's a magnetic pull to one place in particular and it's almost within reach and I almost understand it.
I've never wanted something so bad in my life.
It's a magnetic pull to one place in particular and it's almost within reach and I almost understand it.
I've never wanted something so bad in my life.
can't get out from a sky that is falling
When I hear sound for the first time after a whole lot of not-hearing, I am always surprised at how three dimensional the sound is. Like I can see it...with my ears.
Tonight was a wonderful night.
1. Star Trek was amazing. I recommend it to everyone. It was so very epic...I was flipping out the entire time.
2. A nice and simple change of hair. (Bangs.)
3. Listened to Vegas by Sarah Bareilles about 900 times.
4. Skyped for far too long and enjoyed it.
Tomorrow will be nice.
1. A friend-ridden cookout.
2. Hanging out with Lary...doing Godknowswhat.
3. Going to bed early. (Unless number 2 becomes ridiculous.)
4. More writing.
Tonight was a wonderful night.
1. Star Trek was amazing. I recommend it to everyone. It was so very epic...I was flipping out the entire time.
2. A nice and simple change of hair. (Bangs.)
3. Listened to Vegas by Sarah Bareilles about 900 times.
4. Skyped for far too long and enjoyed it.
Tomorrow will be nice.
1. A friend-ridden cookout.
2. Hanging out with Lary...doing Godknowswhat.
3. Going to bed early. (Unless number 2 becomes ridiculous.)
4. More writing.
Say You Miss Me
(I've been sleeping alone. Out on my own. I'm sure it seems like I'm taking my time to get back to you. ~ Wilco)
We are great in bed.
We are great in bed.
Tonight You Will Rest In My Mind
"I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies." ~ Pietro Aretino
Night Vision
I have been saying that I wanted to blog about this for the longest time, so here we go:
To have night vision is to have the ability to see in the dark. It is made possible because of the combination of a decent spectral range and a decent intensity range. Humans are lacking in these departments, mostly because we don't have a tapetum lucidum*, therefore, we don't have good night vision.
An enhanced spectral range allows the viewer to use non-visible sources of electromagnetic radiation, such as near-infrared or ultraviolet light. The intensity range is simply the ability to see with very small amounts of light. Humans can barely do either.
If I had night vision, I doubt I would sleep at all.
*A layer of tissue in the eye, found directly behind or within the retina. It reflects light back through the retina, increasing the amount of light the photoreceptors can pick up. This improves night vision in many animals, including nocturnal animals that rely on their eye to hunt at night.
To have night vision is to have the ability to see in the dark. It is made possible because of the combination of a decent spectral range and a decent intensity range. Humans are lacking in these departments, mostly because we don't have a tapetum lucidum*, therefore, we don't have good night vision.
An enhanced spectral range allows the viewer to use non-visible sources of electromagnetic radiation, such as near-infrared or ultraviolet light. The intensity range is simply the ability to see with very small amounts of light. Humans can barely do either.
If I had night vision, I doubt I would sleep at all.
*A layer of tissue in the eye, found directly behind or within the retina. It reflects light back through the retina, increasing the amount of light the photoreceptors can pick up. This improves night vision in many animals, including nocturnal animals that rely on their eye to hunt at night.
Seems Fitting
I'm superficial, it's all that I know
I'm not sure I've got the strength to begin
To let you see in between all the rest of me
Trapped behind 20 years of skin
I know, I know this intimate disaster
I know, I know that all it takes is time
I know, I know my heart is wrapped in plaster
I know, I know your arms are open wide
Can't let you touch all that's inside
Don't get too close to me
Fon't get to o close to me
Can't let me feel what I can't hide
Don't get too close to me
Don't get too close to me
~ Don't Get Too Close to Me (Beau Bristow)
I'm not sure I've got the strength to begin
To let you see in between all the rest of me
Trapped behind 20 years of skin
I know, I know this intimate disaster
I know, I know that all it takes is time
I know, I know my heart is wrapped in plaster
I know, I know your arms are open wide
Can't let you touch all that's inside
Don't get too close to me
Fon't get to o close to me
Can't let me feel what I can't hide
Don't get too close to me
Don't get too close to me
~ Don't Get Too Close to Me (Beau Bristow)
Thoughts From 9th
Carbon fiber is a material made of fine fibers less than 1/10th of a millimeter in diameter, and composed mostly of carbon atoms. (Hence, it's name carbon fiber.) The atoms are bonded together into microscopic crystals which are then aligned with the axis of the thin fibers - which makes the fiber extraordinarily strong considering it's size. Thousands of these fibers can be wound together to create a yarn, which then can be either used to make fabric, or remain on its own. You can weave intricate patterns.
It can be combined with a plastic resin and molded to create composites* such as carbon fiber reinforced plastic. This is a material known to have a nice high ratio of strength-to-weight. It's wonderful properties, such as extraordinary strength, low weight, and low thermal expansion make it quite popular.
I see much correlation between carbon fiber and myself, however arrogant that may sound.
*"Engineered materials made from two or more constituent materials with significantly different physical or chemical properties which remain separate and distinct on a macroscopic level within the finished structure"...according to the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia.
It can be combined with a plastic resin and molded to create composites* such as carbon fiber reinforced plastic. This is a material known to have a nice high ratio of strength-to-weight. It's wonderful properties, such as extraordinary strength, low weight, and low thermal expansion make it quite popular.
I see much correlation between carbon fiber and myself, however arrogant that may sound.
*"Engineered materials made from two or more constituent materials with significantly different physical or chemical properties which remain separate and distinct on a macroscopic level within the finished structure"...according to the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia.
When I Reach The Other Side
There are only a few things getting me by. It's obviously been a rough week for all of us, as if the world has it out for everyone at the same time. Torturing us with minute pains until we can't stand it anymore...and we all want to go home.
Home for me is now at my father's house. It's pretty house on a river, just off the Chesapeake Bay, with lovely front and back yards and a pier. With wooden decks and clean carpet. You can see the city across the water, tiny yet clear. It's weird that I can officially call it home because I've never lived with my father or my sisters before. I'll have a car and work to drive to every morning and not much to do at night. I'll be forty-five minutes away from all of my gradeschool friends, but that'll be okay. I'll get as much sunshine as I can. I'll get to decorate my room with everything I bring home.
My sister's won't like my music but I'll play it anyway. Maybe I'll even get plants for the window, to keep the room alive.
It will be alright.
I have to keep saying that.
And when the summer is over, I'll pack up my things and move back to Iowa again. It's a path you follow, to and from a place, over and over again...a path you take for granted. One day it's gone and you don't have to go anywhere and you will begin to feel stuck.
I hope I always have somewhere to go.
Home for me is now at my father's house. It's pretty house on a river, just off the Chesapeake Bay, with lovely front and back yards and a pier. With wooden decks and clean carpet. You can see the city across the water, tiny yet clear. It's weird that I can officially call it home because I've never lived with my father or my sisters before. I'll have a car and work to drive to every morning and not much to do at night. I'll be forty-five minutes away from all of my gradeschool friends, but that'll be okay. I'll get as much sunshine as I can. I'll get to decorate my room with everything I bring home.
My sister's won't like my music but I'll play it anyway. Maybe I'll even get plants for the window, to keep the room alive.
It will be alright.
I have to keep saying that.
And when the summer is over, I'll pack up my things and move back to Iowa again. It's a path you follow, to and from a place, over and over again...a path you take for granted. One day it's gone and you don't have to go anywhere and you will begin to feel stuck.
I hope I always have somewhere to go.
