winter, vivaldi

Let's pretend that it isn't cold. Go outside in tees and shorts. Eat snow and dirt and gravel.

On another note: my word count journal is kicking my ass. I keep forgetting about it.

And another: I'm going to West Virginia on a whim. To get away for awhile, ya hear?

Also, I think I'll start reading Wall Street Journal. For kicks.

twelve left

An indie folk-rock band from Portland, Horse Feathers is perfect for this cold windy day. The album Words Are Dead is cleverly heartbreaking with experimental stringed-instrument riffs. Imagine a violin in a cold stream. Babbling. Next to an abandoned chapel. Which is also an acoustic guitar. Also, note the beautiful cover art! Favorite tracks: "Finch On Saturday" and "Falling Through The Roof."

In more recent news, I got a wonderful pair of suede boots from the thrift store for three dollars. They're a wonderful shade of red-brown and perfect for tramping.

thirteen left

Please let this break be over.

sayulita

The plants aren't looking so good. The house is flooding. It's the day after Christmas and I believe I'll spend it reading.

hear them talkin' bout me

That last post was a little much.

In other news, people are literally going crazy on the streets. Driving around today was pure chaos. If I never have to go grocery shopping again, I will be a very happy woman.

And, I've been listening to a lot of new music that I think I should make mention of. My album of the day is Welcome Joy by The Cave Singers. This band's from Seattle, made up of old Pretty Girls Make Graves members, and is whimsical. Favorite tracks are "Hen Of the Woods" and "Beach House." Absolutely beautiful collection of music. Think warm hardwood floors and rusty spokes on a bike covered in ivy. You fix up that bike, sir. You ride it.

i learned a song on guitar for you, you fucker

Aw fuck. Devendra look-a-like is gone. I'm shitfaced. Wishing I were still out at Frazier's. And somehow, I feel SO alive (which sounds ridiculous) that it's unbelievable. I want to see him and you and it hurts but it's easy. Fuck.

On a good note, I get to see an old friend tomorrow.

Also - a really old and really embarrassing photograph for you to enjoy.

OH, OH. I forgot. A LAWYER MAN bought me my drinks. I'm so proud of myself.

dote

Another Justin Vernon collaboration, Volcano Choir is stunning. The album Unmap is 35.2 minutes of experimental ambiance. Think burnt lace and coniferous.

Halfway through myself, I find that I can do nothing except listen and wish I was at a cabin on Deep Creek Lake. Or maybe in the bed of a moving pickup.

so much to say

"There's a lot of love, but not the kind I need."
- Devendra Banhart, Pumpkin Seeds

you may be blue

"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life." - Gwendolen to Jack in The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde

if i lived in china

If I could have anything, it would be a man like this.

In other news, last night was Thanksgiving for me and Darlene! (Minus turkey, plus chicken.) It was delicious. Today, I was sent on grocery shopping errands and it was a disaster. What I learned is that a grocery store is really just a place where you are constantly questioning who you are. Example: Where would I be if I were a can of water chestnuts? It's unbelievable.

And on that note, 'unbelievable' is my new word. Maybe I've just become a bitter east-coaster again, but literally everything that happens is unbelievable. I promise.

Also, this year for Christmas I am celebrating like any good Jew. Chinese food and a movie.

The bear dreams are back.

Finally. There is this film by Kevin Barker coming out (possibly showing at the Sarasota Film Festival) called The Family Jams that I NEED to see. It follows an early tour of Devendra Banhart, Joanna Newsom and Vetiver's. Must have, folk(s or whoever reads this).

the love's in the closet

"She wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet." - Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

i should have been a farmer

"It isn’t the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer, it’s what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening." - Pema Chodron

asofterworld for the win

Really. It's like they can read my mind.

nose

I used to hate my nose. You should be happy to hear that I no longer do.

darling

"I'm a romantic; a sentimental person thinks things will last, a romantic person hopes against hope that they won't." - Fitzgerald

when i lived alone

I think Justin Vernon and I would be very good friends. He could sing and play guitar to me, make me mimosa and let me scratch his head.

On another note, shoveling. The shoveling that I cannot do because I have no idea where the snow shovel is. I contemplated using a normal shovel and came to the quick conclusion that it was a stupid idea. And - I brought out The Boots. Why did I do such? Because of The Snow. I'm sure you understand.

Anyways.

my feet weren't made for the sea

I just can't win, can I?

french

"Toute méchanceté vient de faiblesse." - Rousseau

unite us as lovers

December Playlist, starting and ending with Devendra Banhart. (Of course. He's sexy. See pic above, found on his Last.fm page.) Some songs are old and some are new. Enjoy reading and make your own if you wish!

1. Last Song For B - Devendra Banhart
2. Baltimore Blues No. 1 - Deer Tick
3. Hen Of The Woods - The Cave Singers
4. Start A War - The National
5. There's A Willow - Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions
6. (Don't Tremble) - The Low Anthem
7. I'll Be On The Water - Akron/Family
8. Fearless - Pink Floyd
9. I Can See The Pines Are Dancing - A. A. Bondy
10. Vampire - Pink Mountaintops
11. Maundering - Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
12. Prehensile Dream - The Bad Plus
13. Fifteen Minutes Old - Snow Patrol
14. Lullabye - Grizzly Bear
15. Lay Me Down ft. Glen Hansard - Damien Rice
16. California -Semisonic
17. With Arms Outstretched - Rilo Kiley
18. Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian
19. Some Things Last A Long Time - Beach House
20. Rats - Devendra Banhart

vivere senza rimpianti

Here's the thing. I left Iowa to get away from being caged all the time. Little did I know that Maryland would be 100x worse. It has snowed almost 2 feet in less than a day and the entire city is shut down. No one can go anywhere. Darlene is sleeping at the hospital. All of my friends are in hibernation. (Probably together.) Goddammit.

Enough about that. More about the LDR. (By LDR, I really mean the LD(non)R.) Do you follow? No? Okay, let me put it simply. LDR's do NOT work. By God, don't do it. You hear me? Don't fall for the, "It'll work out this time" or the "I'll try harder." Disclaimer: It is not anyone's fault that it doesn't work out. It's just the fact that two people are wonderful when they're together, and more likely than not, they will not be wonderful when they are not together. No. One's. Fault.

People do not change. Deep down in the bone people are the same as they always were. I will forever believe this.

So what do you do? Listen to songs with harmonica and banjo. Operas or classicals. Carly Simon and Peter Frampton. IcyHot that shit away! Whatever gets the ache to subside.

Personally, (I think) I know what I want in a R. I want art. Which probably doesn't make any sense but it's what I want. Artful spontaneity and faithfulness. I want to move to an apartment and share it with someone. I want to work at a bookstore or coffeeshop. Or a bookstore with a coffeeshop. I want to audition in my spare time. I want to forever keep in touch. Postcards. I want to get lots of postcards in the mail.

Most of all, I want to one day not want anymore. Because realizing that I want so much really sucks.

Side note: I regret so much from this last six months. I wish I could take them all back. Give them back to me, oh mighty keeper of time? Pretty please? I promise I'll re-do them well.

I also wish I could tell you more...that I could say all of the things that are in my head. Like, "I do think you're attractive" and, "I dream about dancing with you at a nice dinner party. We both wear gray."

Vivere senza rimpianti my ass.

yes, just yes

This made me ridiculously happy. Enjoy.

tonight we're gonna find our lover

84. It makes sense, yes? Yes.

peter frampton

My house is cold. The kind of cold that makes ghosts hunker down together for body heat. The cold that doesn't belong inside.

But it's here and unlike the ghosts, I have no one to be close to.

brambles

I don't know why, but I am only able to write on this when I'm home. I suppose it's because I relate the two together - I started writing here so I may as well finish writing here. Not that I will finish. Can blogs be finished? They're not like poems or short fiction (which are never really finished either, just published). Anyway(s).

If you didn't figure it out, I'm home. In Baltimore! It's rather nice. I don't remember the last time I saw consecutive hours of sunshine. It's not cold but it is windy, which isn't pleasant.

Things I haven't been missing:

• The house. This is in utter shambles. Still.
• My room. It's small and now filled with plants. Ferns, trees and a cactus garden.
• Narrow and busy streets at all hours. Having to drive everywhere.
• Having dishes to wash.
• Darlene sending me on random errands.
• Being alone during the day.

Things I have been missing:

• My new(ish) bed. It's soft and has wheels which I can't explain.
• Bastet and Sheba the kittens. Even though they may have flees. I don't want to know, really.
• As much as I hate being out on the streets, I do appreciate the light and noise. It's constant and puts me to sleep.
• Making my own food. Sandwiches, potatoes with cheese, chipped beef gravy. Down-home stuff.
• My crazy ass friends, all of whom are inappropriate in every way and rude.
• Darlene, even though she is equally as insane. It's amazing how much more you love your mother after you graduate from high school.

I am missing other things. Like you and him and them. To say much more would be bitter but omission is betrayal and god forbid there was much more of that.

To bed? Probably not. I guess I'll continue reading Stephen King's Cell. That's the kind of person I am these days. A Stephen King person, whatever that means.