Hey. It's my birthday. Which doesn't mean much at all.
Is a phone call too much to ask for?
le booklist
1. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
2. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
3. The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
4. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
5. The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
6. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
7. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
8. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
2. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
3. The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
4. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
5. The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
6. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
7. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
8. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
there is no leaving new york
If today was an sign of the summer to come, I'm a bit concerned.
I woke up at 9:00 in the morning to take my dog for a walk. I couldn't go back to sleep so I showered and then proceeded to put my pajamas back on and watch television. I found myself hungry around 1:00, walked my dog again, and then (in my pajamas) went to Taco Bell for breakfast. Which I ate in a McDonalds parking lot. The family came home around 3:00, where they found my sorry ass playing drums on Rockband. I played all night, through 35 of 58 songs of a solo tour, and then came up here to bed.
Instead of sleeping, I decided to check facebook and then do a bit of writing. Thus far, all I've managed to write is "I will not give in" about 900 times.
On another note, my birthday is in two days. For the past couple of years, I have had shitty birthday weeks due to relationship problems. I refuse to let this happen. If this means convincing myself I'm not in a relationship, then so be it. Which sounds more horrible than it is...but I don't care. I'm desperate.
Isn't it horrible how you always imagine your birthday being so much better than it is? You imagine surprise parties and friends popping out behind your couch when you get home from work. You imagine finding your lover naked in your bed full of rose petals. (Too much? Maybe.) Damndamndamn. I will not get my hopes up!
I. Will. Not. Give. In!
I woke up at 9:00 in the morning to take my dog for a walk. I couldn't go back to sleep so I showered and then proceeded to put my pajamas back on and watch television. I found myself hungry around 1:00, walked my dog again, and then (in my pajamas) went to Taco Bell for breakfast. Which I ate in a McDonalds parking lot. The family came home around 3:00, where they found my sorry ass playing drums on Rockband. I played all night, through 35 of 58 songs of a solo tour, and then came up here to bed.
Instead of sleeping, I decided to check facebook and then do a bit of writing. Thus far, all I've managed to write is "I will not give in" about 900 times.
On another note, my birthday is in two days. For the past couple of years, I have had shitty birthday weeks due to relationship problems. I refuse to let this happen. If this means convincing myself I'm not in a relationship, then so be it. Which sounds more horrible than it is...but I don't care. I'm desperate.
Isn't it horrible how you always imagine your birthday being so much better than it is? You imagine surprise parties and friends popping out behind your couch when you get home from work. You imagine finding your lover naked in your bed full of rose petals. (Too much? Maybe.) Damndamndamn. I will not get my hopes up!
I. Will. Not. Give. In!
you are so sweet dancing
There are many things happening in the next (that have happened in the past) few days. Kate turned twenty-one yesterday. Famous people died today. Kate's party is tomorrow. I'm home alone all weekend while my sisters are playing lax in New Jersey (ew). Doug turns twenty-one on the twenty-eighth. I work from 12:00 until 8:00 on Saturday at the recreation center. I have to drive the truck which is causing anxiety. The dog is sick so I have to make sure it doesn't die on my watch. Camp starts on Monday. My twenty-first birthday is on Tuesday. I'm celebrating on the Fourth of July. I'm not sure which drink to order first. I guess my life is pretty random these days.I took some pictures today.
I am hoping that I can find a crochet needle soon because I have so much yarn here in my room just calling for me. I'm also hoping that it rains because it's far too hot in my house. If it rains, I'll open all of our windows and doors and try to blow all the hot air out and replace it with cool air. Maybe then I would be able to go to sleep at a decent hour. I guess I should also lay off the Mountain Dew. I think it's making my nerves bad. Or my hands jittery. I've also been drinking a ton of water...which I've heard is a good thing. On July 7th, Ani DiFranco is playing at Rams Head Live! and I'm really hoping that Kate will be able to get off of work that day to go with me because I've heard that Ani is amazing live. I would hate to have to go alone, but I would do it if I had to.
I like waking up early to bid good days at work to people. I also like random letters of desperation to people that I've never met. However, I don't like walking miles in the heat to the nearest mailbox to mail said letters. I think I need to do some more reading on poetry. I haven't been up to writing much besides these blog entries and a few random beginnings of stories. I'm currently listening to the new Regina Spektor cd entitled Far. It's pretty much exactly what I expected, which I suppose is neither a good nor bad thing. I do love Hombre Lobo by Eels, though. It's decent.
I need to buy my plane ticket back to Iowa. I think I'm going to go for orientation week and work in the Theatre or in the Library. I would very much like to be a part of Pieces of the Puzzle again. (Let us cross our fingers.)
Counting down the days until you.
hail to whatever
If there is anything I've been missing these days, it's having a good friend around to talk to me about what's going on. And by friend I mean an unbiased and out-of-the-loop kind of friend. One that I can talk to about my love life, my home life, and my future plans without worrying that I'm rambling and talking to a brick wall. That's how I feel about a lot of people these days. Maybe it's the heat but I've felt so unnecessary. I have so many plans that I just haven't had the chance to talk about with anyone. I'm not used to having plans. I guess I don't make them often because I am scared of (and scarred from) disappointment, which is pretty sappy. I have plans for after college. If I don't make it into the grad schools I want, I want to apply for the Peace Corps. I like to think I'm strong enough for that sort of thing.
This weekend made me realize several things: I now know what I want. I now know that I have severe anxiety over how to get and more importantly, how to keep what I want. I now know that I need a hobby (bought a ton of yarn today to start a new blanket) and I need work to start at the camp. I need to keep faith. I've been contemplating going to church again, another thing I haven't shared with anyone. I've been reading about Buddhism, about freeing oneself from all desires. I've been praying. Whatever that even means. I've gone to sleep early and woke early for several days now. It feels nice to be awake more often than not.
I have to worry about after school. I think about the buffer period between graduation and my own life. I think about how the buffer can turn into a period of static and stasis. I think about saving money just in case. Money for a few months in my own apartment. Money for traveling. Money for gas. Money for food. I think about setting a schedule for writing. Amy Tan of The Joy Luck Club and Saving Fish From Drowning said that she writes from 9 in the morning until 7 at night every day until publication. I think about what kind of dedication that takes and if I have it in me. I think about if I want to be a writer at all.
I think about my back up plan. My just in case. My excuse. I think about the job before the career, if I'll even have a career. I wonder if I'll wander from audition to audition, hoping that my talent and experience will be enough to cover the type-casting I'll face. I'm hoping, and this a big hoping, that it'll be easier than I imagine. I'm hoping that I'll get married because I'm a big fan of romance. I'm hoping that I will be unlike my own parents, not that I'm not glad that they are divorced. I look forward to having a dog and my own bed, even if it's just a mattress on the floor of an apartment. I look forward to sharing these things with a man that I love.
I will try my best. I will make it through the summer. I will not let the past few weeks repeat themselves.
This weekend made me realize several things: I now know what I want. I now know that I have severe anxiety over how to get and more importantly, how to keep what I want. I now know that I need a hobby (bought a ton of yarn today to start a new blanket) and I need work to start at the camp. I need to keep faith. I've been contemplating going to church again, another thing I haven't shared with anyone. I've been reading about Buddhism, about freeing oneself from all desires. I've been praying. Whatever that even means. I've gone to sleep early and woke early for several days now. It feels nice to be awake more often than not.
I have to worry about after school. I think about the buffer period between graduation and my own life. I think about how the buffer can turn into a period of static and stasis. I think about saving money just in case. Money for a few months in my own apartment. Money for traveling. Money for gas. Money for food. I think about setting a schedule for writing. Amy Tan of The Joy Luck Club and Saving Fish From Drowning said that she writes from 9 in the morning until 7 at night every day until publication. I think about what kind of dedication that takes and if I have it in me. I think about if I want to be a writer at all.
I think about my back up plan. My just in case. My excuse. I think about the job before the career, if I'll even have a career. I wonder if I'll wander from audition to audition, hoping that my talent and experience will be enough to cover the type-casting I'll face. I'm hoping, and this a big hoping, that it'll be easier than I imagine. I'm hoping that I'll get married because I'm a big fan of romance. I'm hoping that I will be unlike my own parents, not that I'm not glad that they are divorced. I look forward to having a dog and my own bed, even if it's just a mattress on the floor of an apartment. I look forward to sharing these things with a man that I love.
I will try my best. I will make it through the summer. I will not let the past few weeks repeat themselves.
these hazards of love never more will trouble us
Which is worse?
Having or not having? Wanting or not wanting? Knowing or not knowing?
Having or not having? Wanting or not wanting? Knowing or not knowing?
i'm nobody without you, buddy
85. The cure to the blues is a box of Franzia before going to watch a band you don't care for play a lovely set of songs you don't know. (With friends, of course.)
I'm being sincere.
I'm being sincere.
i don't know what i can save you from
Things I dislike:
- Driving.
- Living 30 minutes away from civilization.
- Flash floods.
- Dial-up internet.
- Sleeping in a cold room.
- Being completely alone for an entire weekend.
- Watching and scoring 8 soccer games in a row.
- Playing guitar.
- Not being able to sleep until 4 a.m and then sleeping in until 2 p.m the next day.
- Everything long-distance.
Things I like:
- People who are never content. (Aka: the emotional ones.)
- Fuzzy and stolen hotel blankets...on my bed.
- Hon Fest weekend.
- Green Tiffany lamps.
- The blue heron hanging out on our pier.
- Salami sand mayo sandwiches.
- Looking forward to travel plans.
- Rehearsals every night, all night.
- Large bottles of White Zin.
- Peanut butter on apples.
we were sparkling
To whom it may concern:
Please don't let this be a repeat of last year.
Let the waves of all things bad be calm.
I mean, jesus. How much _____ can one person take?
Thanks.
Please don't let this be a repeat of last year.
Let the waves of all things bad be calm.
I mean, jesus. How much _____ can one person take?
Thanks.
you make me feel poetic
Ask Me
Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.
I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.
~ William Stafford
Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.
I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.
~ William Stafford
there's always been change
Traveling north, traveling north to find you.
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
Call out your name love, don’t be surprised.
It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles but it won’t be long.
What will I do if there’s someone with you
Maybe someone you’ve always known.
How do I know I can come and give to you
love with no warning and find you alone?
It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles and it won’t be long.
Train Song (Vashti Bunyan)
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
Call out your name love, don’t be surprised.
It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles but it won’t be long.
What will I do if there’s someone with you
Maybe someone you’ve always known.
How do I know I can come and give to you
love with no warning and find you alone?
It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles and it won’t be long.
Train Song (Vashti Bunyan)
oh my
Yesterday was wonderful.
- Woke up at 5.
- Caught the Megabus (ONE DOLLAR) to New York City.
- Drove for almost 4 hours.
- Almost froze to death.
- Bought a sweatshirt and some summer dresses.
- Went to Junior's to eat an early dinner and get cheesecake.
- Saw Hair.
- Remembered why I'm studying theatre.
- Also rediscovered how poor I'm going to be.
- Went to an Irish pub because it was pouring rain outside.
- Caught the Megabus home.
- Went to bed.
take it from me
Tonight is very much like the night I read The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot to you until you drifted off to sleep.
I miss those nights. And that book...
I miss those nights. And that book...
