If today was an sign of the summer to come, I'm a bit concerned.
I woke up at 9:00 in the morning to take my dog for a walk. I couldn't go back to sleep so I showered and then proceeded to put my pajamas back on and watch television. I found myself hungry around 1:00, walked my dog again, and then (in my pajamas) went to Taco Bell for breakfast. Which I ate in a McDonalds parking lot. The family came home around 3:00, where they found my sorry ass playing drums on Rockband. I played all night, through 35 of 58 songs of a solo tour, and then came up here to bed.
Instead of sleeping, I decided to check facebook and then do a bit of writing. Thus far, all I've managed to write is "I will not give in" about 900 times.
On another note, my birthday is in two days. For the past couple of years, I have had shitty birthday weeks due to relationship problems. I refuse to let this happen. If this means convincing myself I'm not in a relationship, then so be it. Which sounds more horrible than it is...but I don't care. I'm desperate.
Isn't it horrible how you always imagine your birthday being so much better than it is? You imagine surprise parties and friends popping out behind your couch when you get home from work. You imagine finding your lover naked in your bed full of rose petals. (Too much? Maybe.) Damndamndamn. I will not get my hopes up!
I. Will. Not. Give. In!
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
hail to whatever
If there is anything I've been missing these days, it's having a good friend around to talk to me about what's going on. And by friend I mean an unbiased and out-of-the-loop kind of friend. One that I can talk to about my love life, my home life, and my future plans without worrying that I'm rambling and talking to a brick wall. That's how I feel about a lot of people these days. Maybe it's the heat but I've felt so unnecessary. I have so many plans that I just haven't had the chance to talk about with anyone. I'm not used to having plans. I guess I don't make them often because I am scared of (and scarred from) disappointment, which is pretty sappy. I have plans for after college. If I don't make it into the grad schools I want, I want to apply for the Peace Corps. I like to think I'm strong enough for that sort of thing.
This weekend made me realize several things: I now know what I want. I now know that I have severe anxiety over how to get and more importantly, how to keep what I want. I now know that I need a hobby (bought a ton of yarn today to start a new blanket) and I need work to start at the camp. I need to keep faith. I've been contemplating going to church again, another thing I haven't shared with anyone. I've been reading about Buddhism, about freeing oneself from all desires. I've been praying. Whatever that even means. I've gone to sleep early and woke early for several days now. It feels nice to be awake more often than not.
I have to worry about after school. I think about the buffer period between graduation and my own life. I think about how the buffer can turn into a period of static and stasis. I think about saving money just in case. Money for a few months in my own apartment. Money for traveling. Money for gas. Money for food. I think about setting a schedule for writing. Amy Tan of The Joy Luck Club and Saving Fish From Drowning said that she writes from 9 in the morning until 7 at night every day until publication. I think about what kind of dedication that takes and if I have it in me. I think about if I want to be a writer at all.
I think about my back up plan. My just in case. My excuse. I think about the job before the career, if I'll even have a career. I wonder if I'll wander from audition to audition, hoping that my talent and experience will be enough to cover the type-casting I'll face. I'm hoping, and this a big hoping, that it'll be easier than I imagine. I'm hoping that I'll get married because I'm a big fan of romance. I'm hoping that I will be unlike my own parents, not that I'm not glad that they are divorced. I look forward to having a dog and my own bed, even if it's just a mattress on the floor of an apartment. I look forward to sharing these things with a man that I love.
I will try my best. I will make it through the summer. I will not let the past few weeks repeat themselves.
This weekend made me realize several things: I now know what I want. I now know that I have severe anxiety over how to get and more importantly, how to keep what I want. I now know that I need a hobby (bought a ton of yarn today to start a new blanket) and I need work to start at the camp. I need to keep faith. I've been contemplating going to church again, another thing I haven't shared with anyone. I've been reading about Buddhism, about freeing oneself from all desires. I've been praying. Whatever that even means. I've gone to sleep early and woke early for several days now. It feels nice to be awake more often than not.
I have to worry about after school. I think about the buffer period between graduation and my own life. I think about how the buffer can turn into a period of static and stasis. I think about saving money just in case. Money for a few months in my own apartment. Money for traveling. Money for gas. Money for food. I think about setting a schedule for writing. Amy Tan of The Joy Luck Club and Saving Fish From Drowning said that she writes from 9 in the morning until 7 at night every day until publication. I think about what kind of dedication that takes and if I have it in me. I think about if I want to be a writer at all.
I think about my back up plan. My just in case. My excuse. I think about the job before the career, if I'll even have a career. I wonder if I'll wander from audition to audition, hoping that my talent and experience will be enough to cover the type-casting I'll face. I'm hoping, and this a big hoping, that it'll be easier than I imagine. I'm hoping that I'll get married because I'm a big fan of romance. I'm hoping that I will be unlike my own parents, not that I'm not glad that they are divorced. I look forward to having a dog and my own bed, even if it's just a mattress on the floor of an apartment. I look forward to sharing these things with a man that I love.
I will try my best. I will make it through the summer. I will not let the past few weeks repeat themselves.
