You say that when people ask questions, when people talk shit, you stand up for me. When you see me in public you are 'respectful', as if you have any reason not to be. As if I shouldn't expect respect for you and as if I don't deserve it.
These things constitute you as a good friend? I don't believe that's quite right. Maybe a good person, but not a good friend.
Sometimes I find excuses to see you. To give you music or to shoot the shit. And you come over and there we are making awkward and clunky conversation, and all is fine and well and then you leave. And then I'm alone and there's a lot that I probably should have said and probably would have if I had wanted to start trouble. Because there's always trouble and I somehow seem to start it.
But, in my opinion, being a good friend is more than being respectful. Sometimes friends can't respect each other and they tell each other that and it's beautiful. Friendship is about making each other better people and if that means being honest, than so be it. When I consider who my closest friends are, I can't say that they are the nicest people I know. At least, not 100 percent of the time. But I can say that they are always there - through hell and high water. They're there when I'm grouchy and they've seen me at my best.
But most importantly, they are there no matter what. Even if I haven't asked them to be. No questions asked. No second thoughts.
Can you say that's true about you? Can you say your respect is as genuine as this sort of devotion? I have expectations. You're definitely right about that. Maybe this isn't good enough, but I don't want anything else.
To be completely fair and honest, I can't say that I've tried my hardest to be a good friend. I know what my best is and I haven't given it, not to you, nor do I feel comfortable doing so yet.
Dilate
"Life used to be life-like. Now it's more like show-biz. I wake up in the night and I don't know where the bathroom is and I don't know what town I'm in or what sky I'm under and I wake up in the darkness and I don't have the will anymore to wonder. Everyone has a skeleton and a closet to keep it in and you're mine. Every song has a you. A you that the singer sings to and you're it this time, baby. You're it this time." - Ani Difranco (Dilate)
If I was to write you a letter
Sometimes it feels like the only thing holding my ripcage closed is an old shoelace.
White Lake, NY
It's incredibly easy to find something that makes you happy. Therefore, I don't have much to complain about these days. I really like chocolate, night-time fan sounds, writing and recording stupid songs, socks and handwritten letters.
Herm. Shnuggles.
Herm. Shnuggles.
Staighten Out Some Question Marks
Well, here's a picture that I took with my phone in the Cedar Rapids airport. I was clearly bored, but I like it because it reminds me of going home. Anyways - It's been quite a day my friends. A day full of sickness. However, I should be getting a package tomorrow. Ah, snail mail. And, to top it off, I don't have class until 1:00! Oh yes.
What's Not Fun
There's always that moment when you say, "Hey! I've had too much to drink!"
But by that point it's too late.
Damn.
But by that point it's too late.
Damn.
A Three In The Morning Thought
Something I thought about today.
No matter how many times you're in a show, the pre-show jitters always make you question why you've decided to act in the first place.
There I was tonight, not knowing anyone in the audience, standing backstage and trying not to pee my pants. And then it was my cue to enter and all of my lines erased from my mind. Then I was on stage, sitting and it was too late and I just wanted to run off sobbing while thinking about choosing another major. But then the lines came to me like they always have. And the audience disappeared and it was just Matt and I on stage in a little restaurant making small talk. Wonderful how it happens, really.
After the show, John, Karin and I went to Casey's and got some munchies and then played a round of pool. During which, Ethan and Hulk called and begged us to go to Taco Bell with them. Before hand, there were shots and John was absolutely hilarious. And then the Taco Bell was delicious (even though we had already had munchies) and Andrew came by and there was crazy talk and a lot of, "Well, feel MY abs!"
And then we all were at the BSEO house dancing and being ridiculous whilst drinking some brew and then John and I left and here I am in my room, writing a stupid post about almost nothing at all.
Friday the 13th was officially (or not so officially) two months. Some days it feels like we've just met and some days it feels like we've known each other forever.
If there's anything I've learned in the past year, it's to a.) let go, b.) make peace, and c.) cry whenever the hell you feel like it because it's good for you.
No matter how many times you're in a show, the pre-show jitters always make you question why you've decided to act in the first place.
There I was tonight, not knowing anyone in the audience, standing backstage and trying not to pee my pants. And then it was my cue to enter and all of my lines erased from my mind. Then I was on stage, sitting and it was too late and I just wanted to run off sobbing while thinking about choosing another major. But then the lines came to me like they always have. And the audience disappeared and it was just Matt and I on stage in a little restaurant making small talk. Wonderful how it happens, really.
After the show, John, Karin and I went to Casey's and got some munchies and then played a round of pool. During which, Ethan and Hulk called and begged us to go to Taco Bell with them. Before hand, there were shots and John was absolutely hilarious. And then the Taco Bell was delicious (even though we had already had munchies) and Andrew came by and there was crazy talk and a lot of, "Well, feel MY abs!"
And then we all were at the BSEO house dancing and being ridiculous whilst drinking some brew and then John and I left and here I am in my room, writing a stupid post about almost nothing at all.
Friday the 13th was officially (or not so officially) two months. Some days it feels like we've just met and some days it feels like we've known each other forever.
If there's anything I've learned in the past year, it's to a.) let go, b.) make peace, and c.) cry whenever the hell you feel like it because it's good for you.
All The Bitches On Me
Took this with my camera phone while bored at work.
Some people here are mega bitches.
I'm getting a cold.
I'm in a Grateful Dead mood.
I want to go to the Sasquatch Music Festival.
I can't wait for spring break.
I can't wait for Valentine's Day wine and cake.
I can't wait for Matt's show to be over.
I wish my play analysis was already finished.
I'm starved.
I'm especially lucky to have my lover, Noodles.
how dulce to vive occult to mortal eyes
- I miss London. (Hence, the ridiculously old photograph.)
- Outside is absolutely beautiful. A walk would be amazing.
- Sometime last night I bit my lip.
- I gave Addie a lap dance and it was hilarious.
- I love the songs Earth to Bella and Oil and Water by Incubus.
- Pink eye is going around. I'm concerned and a little nervous.
- Pibb zero is revolting but it's all I have to drink.
- My phone works again.
- John and I are working on a new song. An original that spawned from my horrible guitar playing.
- I'm almost finished the application for a themed house. Yeah! (We're still looking for another person.)
- Bonnaroo tickets are ON SALE.
I Was A Pirate
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how I'd like to be creative. Haven't done much about it, minus spending the time to record this nugget of a good song with John. It's a cover of 9 Crimes by Damien Rice. Enjoy.
In The Bushes
Some relatively cool things:
- I slept through all of my classes today. (And lunch. Bummer)
- I applied for a job at St. Lukes from the computers at work. I was really bored.
- I mourned the fact that I ate all of the white candy hearts and began consuming the purple ones.
- I get homemade LASAGNA and ROOT BEER FLOATS in the writing center in 15 minutes!
- I miss my camera.
- I have been without a cell phone for over a week. I do not miss it.
- I am buying my tickets for BONNAROO in 3 days.
- I am getting better at playing pool.
- I am also getting better at drawing. Not good enough to post examples, however. I am considering taking an art class next semester.
- Valentines Day is soon. Argh.
It's A Small Crime
If I hadn't of met him, I probably would have gone back to you.
It's always interesting to think of what might have been.
It's always interesting to think of what might have been.
