winter, vivaldi

Let's pretend that it isn't cold. Go outside in tees and shorts. Eat snow and dirt and gravel.

On another note: my word count journal is kicking my ass. I keep forgetting about it.

And another: I'm going to West Virginia on a whim. To get away for awhile, ya hear?

Also, I think I'll start reading Wall Street Journal. For kicks.

twelve left

An indie folk-rock band from Portland, Horse Feathers is perfect for this cold windy day. The album Words Are Dead is cleverly heartbreaking with experimental stringed-instrument riffs. Imagine a violin in a cold stream. Babbling. Next to an abandoned chapel. Which is also an acoustic guitar. Also, note the beautiful cover art! Favorite tracks: "Finch On Saturday" and "Falling Through The Roof."

In more recent news, I got a wonderful pair of suede boots from the thrift store for three dollars. They're a wonderful shade of red-brown and perfect for tramping.

thirteen left

Please let this break be over.

sayulita

The plants aren't looking so good. The house is flooding. It's the day after Christmas and I believe I'll spend it reading.

hear them talkin' bout me

That last post was a little much.

In other news, people are literally going crazy on the streets. Driving around today was pure chaos. If I never have to go grocery shopping again, I will be a very happy woman.

And, I've been listening to a lot of new music that I think I should make mention of. My album of the day is Welcome Joy by The Cave Singers. This band's from Seattle, made up of old Pretty Girls Make Graves members, and is whimsical. Favorite tracks are "Hen Of the Woods" and "Beach House." Absolutely beautiful collection of music. Think warm hardwood floors and rusty spokes on a bike covered in ivy. You fix up that bike, sir. You ride it.

i learned a song on guitar for you, you fucker

Aw fuck. Devendra look-a-like is gone. I'm shitfaced. Wishing I were still out at Frazier's. And somehow, I feel SO alive (which sounds ridiculous) that it's unbelievable. I want to see him and you and it hurts but it's easy. Fuck.

On a good note, I get to see an old friend tomorrow.

Also - a really old and really embarrassing photograph for you to enjoy.

OH, OH. I forgot. A LAWYER MAN bought me my drinks. I'm so proud of myself.

dote

Another Justin Vernon collaboration, Volcano Choir is stunning. The album Unmap is 35.2 minutes of experimental ambiance. Think burnt lace and coniferous.

Halfway through myself, I find that I can do nothing except listen and wish I was at a cabin on Deep Creek Lake. Or maybe in the bed of a moving pickup.

so much to say

"There's a lot of love, but not the kind I need."
- Devendra Banhart, Pumpkin Seeds

you may be blue

"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life." - Gwendolen to Jack in The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde

if i lived in china

If I could have anything, it would be a man like this.

In other news, last night was Thanksgiving for me and Darlene! (Minus turkey, plus chicken.) It was delicious. Today, I was sent on grocery shopping errands and it was a disaster. What I learned is that a grocery store is really just a place where you are constantly questioning who you are. Example: Where would I be if I were a can of water chestnuts? It's unbelievable.

And on that note, 'unbelievable' is my new word. Maybe I've just become a bitter east-coaster again, but literally everything that happens is unbelievable. I promise.

Also, this year for Christmas I am celebrating like any good Jew. Chinese food and a movie.

The bear dreams are back.

Finally. There is this film by Kevin Barker coming out (possibly showing at the Sarasota Film Festival) called The Family Jams that I NEED to see. It follows an early tour of Devendra Banhart, Joanna Newsom and Vetiver's. Must have, folk(s or whoever reads this).

the love's in the closet

"She wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet." - Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

i should have been a farmer

"It isn’t the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer, it’s what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening." - Pema Chodron

asofterworld for the win

Really. It's like they can read my mind.

nose

I used to hate my nose. You should be happy to hear that I no longer do.

darling

"I'm a romantic; a sentimental person thinks things will last, a romantic person hopes against hope that they won't." - Fitzgerald

when i lived alone

I think Justin Vernon and I would be very good friends. He could sing and play guitar to me, make me mimosa and let me scratch his head.

On another note, shoveling. The shoveling that I cannot do because I have no idea where the snow shovel is. I contemplated using a normal shovel and came to the quick conclusion that it was a stupid idea. And - I brought out The Boots. Why did I do such? Because of The Snow. I'm sure you understand.

Anyways.

my feet weren't made for the sea

I just can't win, can I?

french

"Toute méchanceté vient de faiblesse." - Rousseau

unite us as lovers

December Playlist, starting and ending with Devendra Banhart. (Of course. He's sexy. See pic above, found on his Last.fm page.) Some songs are old and some are new. Enjoy reading and make your own if you wish!

1. Last Song For B - Devendra Banhart
2. Baltimore Blues No. 1 - Deer Tick
3. Hen Of The Woods - The Cave Singers
4. Start A War - The National
5. There's A Willow - Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions
6. (Don't Tremble) - The Low Anthem
7. I'll Be On The Water - Akron/Family
8. Fearless - Pink Floyd
9. I Can See The Pines Are Dancing - A. A. Bondy
10. Vampire - Pink Mountaintops
11. Maundering - Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
12. Prehensile Dream - The Bad Plus
13. Fifteen Minutes Old - Snow Patrol
14. Lullabye - Grizzly Bear
15. Lay Me Down ft. Glen Hansard - Damien Rice
16. California -Semisonic
17. With Arms Outstretched - Rilo Kiley
18. Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian
19. Some Things Last A Long Time - Beach House
20. Rats - Devendra Banhart

vivere senza rimpianti

Here's the thing. I left Iowa to get away from being caged all the time. Little did I know that Maryland would be 100x worse. It has snowed almost 2 feet in less than a day and the entire city is shut down. No one can go anywhere. Darlene is sleeping at the hospital. All of my friends are in hibernation. (Probably together.) Goddammit.

Enough about that. More about the LDR. (By LDR, I really mean the LD(non)R.) Do you follow? No? Okay, let me put it simply. LDR's do NOT work. By God, don't do it. You hear me? Don't fall for the, "It'll work out this time" or the "I'll try harder." Disclaimer: It is not anyone's fault that it doesn't work out. It's just the fact that two people are wonderful when they're together, and more likely than not, they will not be wonderful when they are not together. No. One's. Fault.

People do not change. Deep down in the bone people are the same as they always were. I will forever believe this.

So what do you do? Listen to songs with harmonica and banjo. Operas or classicals. Carly Simon and Peter Frampton. IcyHot that shit away! Whatever gets the ache to subside.

Personally, (I think) I know what I want in a R. I want art. Which probably doesn't make any sense but it's what I want. Artful spontaneity and faithfulness. I want to move to an apartment and share it with someone. I want to work at a bookstore or coffeeshop. Or a bookstore with a coffeeshop. I want to audition in my spare time. I want to forever keep in touch. Postcards. I want to get lots of postcards in the mail.

Most of all, I want to one day not want anymore. Because realizing that I want so much really sucks.

Side note: I regret so much from this last six months. I wish I could take them all back. Give them back to me, oh mighty keeper of time? Pretty please? I promise I'll re-do them well.

I also wish I could tell you more...that I could say all of the things that are in my head. Like, "I do think you're attractive" and, "I dream about dancing with you at a nice dinner party. We both wear gray."

Vivere senza rimpianti my ass.

yes, just yes

This made me ridiculously happy. Enjoy.

tonight we're gonna find our lover

84. It makes sense, yes? Yes.

peter frampton

My house is cold. The kind of cold that makes ghosts hunker down together for body heat. The cold that doesn't belong inside.

But it's here and unlike the ghosts, I have no one to be close to.

brambles

I don't know why, but I am only able to write on this when I'm home. I suppose it's because I relate the two together - I started writing here so I may as well finish writing here. Not that I will finish. Can blogs be finished? They're not like poems or short fiction (which are never really finished either, just published). Anyway(s).

If you didn't figure it out, I'm home. In Baltimore! It's rather nice. I don't remember the last time I saw consecutive hours of sunshine. It's not cold but it is windy, which isn't pleasant.

Things I haven't been missing:

• The house. This is in utter shambles. Still.
• My room. It's small and now filled with plants. Ferns, trees and a cactus garden.
• Narrow and busy streets at all hours. Having to drive everywhere.
• Having dishes to wash.
• Darlene sending me on random errands.
• Being alone during the day.

Things I have been missing:

• My new(ish) bed. It's soft and has wheels which I can't explain.
• Bastet and Sheba the kittens. Even though they may have flees. I don't want to know, really.
• As much as I hate being out on the streets, I do appreciate the light and noise. It's constant and puts me to sleep.
• Making my own food. Sandwiches, potatoes with cheese, chipped beef gravy. Down-home stuff.
• My crazy ass friends, all of whom are inappropriate in every way and rude.
• Darlene, even though she is equally as insane. It's amazing how much more you love your mother after you graduate from high school.

I am missing other things. Like you and him and them. To say much more would be bitter but omission is betrayal and god forbid there was much more of that.

To bed? Probably not. I guess I'll continue reading Stephen King's Cell. That's the kind of person I am these days. A Stephen King person, whatever that means.

when she's here

Fuck mountains.

I want wide horizons that frame the ocean.

old bay

I'm a libertine. I'm single for the first time in a long time. I'm a woman in interesting times. I'm a product of mass consumerism but I've planted my own garden. I'm able to drive wherever I want, listening to whatever radio station I'd like to. I can run away. I'm a student and I can legally drink. I enjoy America's favorite passtime and am lucky enough to live on the coast. I can hangout with whoever and write whatever the hell I want.

Folks, I'm feeling just fine and for once in my life I have no plans.

move those chains

I rarely hate anyone. Especially people that I've never met.

But let me tell you, I have more hatred in my body for her than for everything and everyone else combined. I also hate him for being so nice to her. Still.

If I ever met her, shit would hit the fan.

watching soap operas

The best cure for a hangover is more apple moonshine.

Also, I'm going to my first Ravens game tonight. Hurray.

how could you be so heartless

One hundred degrees outside. One hundred degrees inside. I must be in hell.

baltimore

Moving back into the row-home in the city:

Pros: near friends, fun neighborhood, quality time with my mother, change of scenery.
Cons: no airconditioning, no room to unpack, broken dryer, less privacy, no grass.

Six days left until the move to Iowa.

halleluia

Last day of camp! I am rejoicing.

Also. Packing was far more difficult than I thought. I had to give up around 1:30 because I convinced myself that my clothes have grown bigger just to spite me.

Another note. Neighbors that decide to mow their lawns at 7 A.M. are jackasses.

my, my, my

Found: selected poems.
Lost: count.
In search of: patience and spontaneity.

you came, you saw, you sawed her brain

I can't think of anything more than trivial to write. Tonight I have to pack to move back to Baltimore and then to Cedar Rapids. Tomorrow is the last day of camp and then opening (and closing) night for the show. I'm very proud of the kids even though they are wily. Saturday morning I leave for Nissan Pavilion in Virginia where I'll be staying overnight to see a concert. Sunday night I'll spend with Dar. I'm already planning December.

Next Monday through Saturday?

Possibly: Raven's game, golf, the beach, road trips, makeshift speedos, camping.
Definite: sleeping in and abundant farewell drinks to bid goodbye to a great end of summer.

I have too much music.

great song

"When I look back all I see is another reason to go." - Vetiver

get that dirt off ya shoulda

All things considered, I'm in a pretty good mood.

Shocker.

conor oberst

"You spend your precious time trying to decorate your life." - Moab

when you think you've met someone

Today- 7 months.
Tomorrow- Work.
Wednesday- Work.
Thursday- Work.
Friday- Work. Something.
Saturday- CAKE at Artscape. Fun at my house.
Sunday- Six Flags. Possibly.

here's how things go

Everyone sucks because everyone has flaws.

winter break

I would very much like to stay in a bed and breakfast in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Why?

Slurpee capital of the world. Winnipeg Bear (Winnie-the-Pooh.) Neil Young, The Weakerthans and The Wailin' Jennys. Residents of Winnipeg are called Winnipeggers.

That's all I need to say.

the question of the day

Why does everyone choose to be an asshole on the same day?

YESYESYES

A wee fantastic blog:

My First Dictionary

things i established about little kids

1. they cry about everything
2. they complain when they're not crying
3. sugar is a no-go
4. morning classes are painful
5. they need break time and constant attention
6. they have to go to the bathroom frequently
7. they get stomach aches when they don't want to participate
8. they remember nothing you say when you're trying to tell them something but rememeber everything else
9. they like holding hands with each other
10. they giggle

i hope it will be worth what i give up

If I had the opportunity to travel I would do it. No matter what. I would drop the money. I would take the time. I do these kinds of things.

Some say I'm spontaneous, but I know that's not the right word. I'm not spontaneous. Quite the opposite really because I think everything through. I know my next move.

The problem is, I don't know yours. And it's probably not surprising.

losing hope is easy

(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

Amen to that.

do you have some plans for me

Hey. It's my birthday. Which doesn't mean much at all.

Is a phone call too much to ask for?

le booklist

1. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
2. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
3. The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
4. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
5. The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
6. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
7. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
8. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

there is no leaving new york

If today was an sign of the summer to come, I'm a bit concerned.

I woke up at 9:00 in the morning to take my dog for a walk. I couldn't go back to sleep so I showered and then proceeded to put my pajamas back on and watch television. I found myself hungry around 1:00, walked my dog again, and then (in my pajamas) went to Taco Bell for breakfast. Which I ate in a McDonalds parking lot. The family came home around 3:00, where they found my sorry ass playing drums on Rockband. I played all night, through 35 of 58 songs of a solo tour, and then came up here to bed.

Instead of sleeping, I decided to check facebook and then do a bit of writing. Thus far, all I've managed to write is "I will not give in" about 900 times.

On another note, my birthday is in two days. For the past couple of years, I have had shitty birthday weeks due to relationship problems. I refuse to let this happen. If this means convincing myself I'm not in a relationship, then so be it. Which sounds more horrible than it is...but I don't care. I'm desperate.

Isn't it horrible how you always imagine your birthday being so much better than it is? You imagine surprise parties and friends popping out behind your couch when you get home from work. You imagine finding your lover naked in your bed full of rose petals. (Too much? Maybe.) Damndamndamn. I will not get my hopes up!

I. Will. Not. Give. In!

you are so sweet dancing

There are many things happening in the next (that have happened in the past) few days. Kate turned twenty-one yesterday. Famous people died today. Kate's party is tomorrow. I'm home alone all weekend while my sisters are playing lax in New Jersey (ew). Doug turns twenty-one on the twenty-eighth. I work from 12:00 until 8:00 on Saturday at the recreation center. I have to drive the truck which is causing anxiety. The dog is sick so I have to make sure it doesn't die on my watch. Camp starts on Monday. My twenty-first birthday is on Tuesday. I'm celebrating on the Fourth of July. I'm not sure which drink to order first. I guess my life is pretty random these days.

I took some pictures today.

I am hoping that I can find a crochet needle soon because I have so much yarn here in my room just calling for me. I'm also hoping that it rains because it's far too hot in my house. If it rains, I'll open all of our windows and doors and try to blow all the hot air out and replace it with cool air. Maybe then I would be able to go to sleep at a decent hour. I guess I should also lay off the Mountain Dew. I think it's making my nerves bad. Or my hands jittery. I've also been drinking a ton of water...which I've heard is a good thing. On July 7th, Ani DiFranco is playing at Rams Head Live! and I'm really hoping that Kate will be able to get off of work that day to go with me because I've heard that Ani is amazing live. I would hate to have to go alone, but I would do it if I had to.

I like waking up early to bid good days at work to people. I also like random letters of desperation to people that I've never met. However, I don't like walking miles in the heat to the nearest mailbox to mail said letters. I think I need to do some more reading on poetry. I haven't been up to writing much besides these blog entries and a few random beginnings of stories. I'm currently listening to the new Regina Spektor cd entitled Far. It's pretty much exactly what I expected, which I suppose is neither a good nor bad thing. I do love Hombre Lobo by Eels, though. It's decent.

I need to buy my plane ticket back to Iowa. I think I'm going to go for orientation week and work in the Theatre or in the Library. I would very much like to be a part of Pieces of the Puzzle again. (Let us cross our fingers.)

Counting down the days until you.

hail to whatever

If there is anything I've been missing these days, it's having a good friend around to talk to me about what's going on. And by friend I mean an unbiased and out-of-the-loop kind of friend. One that I can talk to about my love life, my home life, and my future plans without worrying that I'm rambling and talking to a brick wall. That's how I feel about a lot of people these days. Maybe it's the heat but I've felt so unnecessary. I have so many plans that I just haven't had the chance to talk about with anyone. I'm not used to having plans. I guess I don't make them often because I am scared of (and scarred from) disappointment, which is pretty sappy. I have plans for after college. If I don't make it into the grad schools I want, I want to apply for the Peace Corps. I like to think I'm strong enough for that sort of thing.

This weekend made me realize several things: I now know what I want. I now know that I have severe anxiety over how to get and more importantly, how to keep what I want. I now know that I need a hobby (bought a ton of yarn today to start a new blanket) and I need work to start at the camp. I need to keep faith. I've been contemplating going to church again, another thing I haven't shared with anyone. I've been reading about Buddhism, about freeing oneself from all desires. I've been praying. Whatever that even means. I've gone to sleep early and woke early for several days now. It feels nice to be awake more often than not.

I have to worry about after school. I think about the buffer period between graduation and my own life. I think about how the buffer can turn into a period of static and stasis. I think about saving money just in case. Money for a few months in my own apartment. Money for traveling. Money for gas. Money for food. I think about setting a schedule for writing. Amy Tan of The Joy Luck Club and Saving Fish From Drowning said that she writes from 9 in the morning until 7 at night every day until publication. I think about what kind of dedication that takes and if I have it in me. I think about if I want to be a writer at all.

I think about my back up plan. My just in case. My excuse. I think about the job before the career, if I'll even have a career. I wonder if I'll wander from audition to audition, hoping that my talent and experience will be enough to cover the type-casting I'll face. I'm hoping, and this a big hoping, that it'll be easier than I imagine. I'm hoping that I'll get married because I'm a big fan of romance. I'm hoping that I will be unlike my own parents, not that I'm not glad that they are divorced. I look forward to having a dog and my own bed, even if it's just a mattress on the floor of an apartment. I look forward to sharing these things with a man that I love.

I will try my best. I will make it through the summer. I will not let the past few weeks repeat themselves.

these hazards of love never more will trouble us

Which is worse?

Having or not having? Wanting or not wanting? Knowing or not knowing?

I am

not cut out for the LDR. Period.

i'm nobody without you, buddy

85. The cure to the blues is a box of Franzia before going to watch a band you don't care for play a lovely set of songs you don't know. (With friends, of course.)

I'm being sincere.

i don't know what i can save you from

Things I dislike:

1. Driving.
2. Living 30 minutes away from civilization.
3. Flash floods.
4. Dial-up internet.
5. Sleeping in a cold room.
6. Being completely alone for an entire weekend.
7. Watching and scoring 8 soccer games in a row.
8. Playing guitar.
9. Not being able to sleep until 4 a.m and then sleeping in until 2 p.m the next day.
10. Everything long-distance.

Things I like:

1. People who are never content. (Aka: the emotional ones.)
2. Fuzzy and stolen hotel blankets...on my bed.
3. Hon Fest weekend.
4. Green Tiffany lamps.
5. The blue heron hanging out on our pier.
6. Salami sand mayo sandwiches.
7. Looking forward to travel plans.
8. Rehearsals every night, all night.
9. Large bottles of White Zin.
10. Peanut butter on apples.

we were sparkling

To whom it may concern:

Please don't let this be a repeat of last year.
Let the waves of all things bad be calm.
I mean, jesus. How much _____ can one person take?

Thanks.

you make me feel poetic

Ask Me

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

~ William Stafford

day by day

86. Don't get your hopes up.

there's always been change

Traveling north, traveling north to find you.
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
Call out your name love, don’t be surprised.

It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles but it won’t be long.

What will I do if there’s someone with you
Maybe someone you’ve always known.
How do I know I can come and give to you
love with no warning and find you alone?

It’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you.
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It’s many hundred miles and it won’t be long.

Train Song (Vashti Bunyan)

ain't got no

Fuck it.

oh my

Yesterday was wonderful.

• Woke up at 5.
• Caught the Megabus (ONE DOLLAR) to New York City.
  
• Drove for almost 4 hours.
• Almost froze to death.
• Bought a sweatshirt and some summer dresses.
• Went to Junior's to eat an early dinner and get cheesecake.
• Saw Hair.
• Remembered why I'm studying theatre.
• Also rediscovered how poor I'm going to be.
• Went to an Irish pub because it was pouring rain outside.
• Caught the Megabus home.
• Went to bed.

Lovely.

take it from me

Tonight is very much like the night I read The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot to you until you drifted off to sleep.

I miss those nights. And that book...

my only vice

87. There are six degrees of separation between you and every other person on this planet. Be kind and rewind.

how itchy i am

Love is a shadow.
How you lie and cry after it.
Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.

All night I shall gallup thus, impetuously,
Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,
Echoing, echoing.

~ excerpt from Elm by Sylvia Plath

this is, after all, a journal

Right now I am watching the History Channel, eating Reese's Pieces and drinking apple juice, and waiting for my eczema (now over both arms, hips and the back of my knees) to stop itching. I wish it were sunny out so that I could go kayaking or fishing, but it's not. I may work on some writing or play guitar...neither of which I can do very well.

I'm not looking forward to the rest of the week. Thursday I have a not-so-fun doctor's appointment and Friday I have to get a few fillings at the dentist's office. Woohoo...

I want to be buried in a biodegradable cemetary. A place that looks like a park instead of a city of tombstones. Wrapped in a shroud and placed in the Earth to turn into soil and plants.

you're standing on the toilet?

Today, under the impression of my most fluent muse, I realized that my prose was actually poetry and spent some time translating. And then I wrote a second poem on top of that, which poured out of my fingers like wine and probably gave me carpal tunnel.

I am glad I'm not single. I'm also glad that it's raining. Neither of which have anything to do with anything.

elegy

Excerpt from The Fifth Elegy (for Frau Hertha Koenig) by Rainer Maria Rilke.

Angel, there's a place beyond us, and there
on the unsayable carpet, lovers display what now
they can never bring up to knowing - their bold
high figures of heartplay, their
long-since groundless ladders, leaning
on only each other, tremulously, - and know
before the surrounding onlookers, innumerable soundless deaths.
Who then throws their last, ever-hoarded,
ever-concealed, unknown, eternally
valid coins of luck before the finally
truly-smiling pair on the stilled
carpet?

Goodnight Mr. Gingercat. (You're a goddamned whore!)

88. The trouble is, bad things happen to good people. Question yourself: Am I a good person? If the answer is yes, then bad things will most likely happen to you. Example: Today I got sunburn AND a mosquito bite. Damn!

i hate the word moist

89. You will not remember anything important you said for future reference, but you will remember the last time you got really drunk. Moral of the story? Write much, drink little.

Read: Cartographies of Silence by Adrienne Rich.

i suppose you know the angst

this is the season

We had a cookout today. Photographs ensued, of course.

technicalities

Why I Am Not a Painter
by Frank O'Hara

I am not a painter, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a painter, but I am not. Well,

for instance, Mike Goldberg
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and have a drink" he
says. I drink; we drink. I look
up. "You have SARDINES in it."
"Yes, it needed something there."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and the days
go by. I drop in. The painting is
finished. "Where's SARDINES?"
All that's left is just
letters, "It was too much," Mike says.

But me? One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES. And one day in a gallery
I see Mike's painting, called SARDINES.

you put yourself between you and your pride

I am obsessed with collecting beautiful things.

little pieces of people we have been

90. You will try to learn new things. Like technical terms for poetry. Anapest, spondee, tetrameter. You will read much and understand little. You will read and read and read...and learn. But just a bit. You know why? Because the only way to learn something is to live it.

everyone i know has got a reason

91. You will make wish lists for you birthday and you will not get anything on them. (You have a very expensive taste, and let's face it, everyone is broke these days.)






1. Moroccan Lantern, UO, $120






















2. Wine Sleeve, UO, $10






















3. Rag Shag Rug, UO, $18





















4. WeSC Oboe Headphones, UO, $50























5. Same Edelman Sahara Heel, UO, $158

6. Frye Emily Slingback Platform, UO, $170

7. Hunter Green TOMS, www.tomsshoes.com, $44

with an aching in my head

92. There will be a recession and you will drop all future career plans and contemplate becoming a stay at home mom. And then you will snap out of it and realize how silly you are.

We expected something,
something better than before.
We expected something more.

You were always weird, but
I never had to hold you by the edges
like I do now.

~ Start a War (The National)

let me apologize

play that chord one more time.
you know i'm waiting.
it's the quiet that makes the song.
no, it's the absence of light that makes it.
play that chord and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing,
and my mind won't shut down.

~

play that chord one more time
cuz i'm singing, we're singing.
laughter fills the room
and pulls towards another nights' close.
and i'll fall asleep, i will, i will.
but my heart is racing
and my mind won't shut down.
idle and waiting (umbrellas)

~

everyone is idle and waiting.
i'm waiting, i'm waiting.

~

idle and waiting (umbrellas)

the world turned over

93. There will always be things to look forward to. Examples: seeing Hair on Broadway, turning 21, studying in Manhattan for a semester (holy shit), and potential spontaneous road trips.

CD Releases to Watch For

May 19th
Iron & Wine - Around the Well

May 26th
Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

June 2
311 - Uplifter
Dave Matthews Band - Whiskey and the Groogrux King
Eels - Hombre Loco

June 9th
Sonic Youth - The Eternal

June 16th
Incubus - Moments and Melodies (Greatest Hits)

June 23rd
Dinosaur Jr. - Farm
Patterson Hood (Drive-by Truckers) - Murdering Oscar (And Other Love Songs)
The Mars Volta - Octahedron
Regina Spektor - Far
Third Eye Blind - Ursa Major
Pete Yorn - Back and Forth

June 30th
Wilco - Wilco (The Album)

July 7
Son Volt - American Central Dust

Also, I anticipate the release of albums from The Shins, Spoon, and Tegan & Sara sometime later this year. Interesting.

everybody smiled

94. There are things that you will not understand right away. But when the answer comes to you? My, how bright it'll be!

all that i want

95. You will go camping. And you will wish you had one of these...

sweet afron

96. There are days, long and humid days, when you will find yourself entirely alone. Go outside. Take a deep breath. Light up a cigarette. Pull yourself together and then continue.

finally beginning to realize

97. Winning over is much less fun than being won over.

last two seats

98. Drink as many cups of coffee as you can.

fast car

99. Time flies. Period.

You get these feelings that you could be something. So be something.

100th Note to Self

100. No matter what haircut you get, you will regret it.

So. I've decided to leave a little trail of Notes to Self behind me. That way, 100 posts later, I will have more tidbits of wisdom than I ever could have wished for.

quotation

"It’s a wonder I’m even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself. But there’s something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes." ~ Augusten Borroughs

you are a china shop and i am a bull

fill in my eyes

The Drinks We Drank Last Night by Azure Ray is today's theme song.

next stop: vegas, please

I'm on my way to something much bigger and I can taste it.

It's a magnetic pull to one place in particular and it's almost within reach and I almost understand it.

I've never wanted something so bad in my life.

Bangs

I have them.

(I love long hair. On everyone.)

can't get out from a sky that is falling

When I hear sound for the first time after a whole lot of not-hearing, I am always surprised at how three dimensional the sound is. Like I can see it...with my ears.

Tonight was a wonderful night.
1. Star Trek was amazing. I recommend it to everyone. It was so very epic...I was flipping out the entire time.
2. A nice and simple change of hair. (Bangs.)
3. Listened to Vegas by Sarah Bareilles about 900 times.
4. Skyped for far too long and enjoyed it.

Tomorrow will be nice.
1. A friend-ridden cookout.
2. Hanging out with Lary...doing Godknowswhat.
3. Going to bed early. (Unless number 2 becomes ridiculous.)
4. More writing.

I'm Not So Bad

Once you get to know me.

Say You Miss Me

(I've been sleeping alone. Out on my own. I'm sure it seems like I'm taking my time to get back to you. ~ Wilco)

We are great in bed.

Tonight You Will Rest In My Mind

"I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies." ~ Pietro Aretino

Night Vision

I have been saying that I wanted to blog about this for the longest time, so here we go:

To have night vision is to have the ability to see in the dark. It is made possible because of the combination of a decent spectral range and a decent intensity range. Humans are lacking in these departments, mostly because we don't have a tapetum lucidum*, therefore, we don't have good night vision.

An enhanced spectral range allows the viewer to use non-visible sources of electromagnetic radiation, such as near-infrared or ultraviolet light. The intensity range is simply the ability to see with very small amounts of light. Humans can barely do either.


If I had night vision, I doubt I would sleep at all.


*A layer of tissue in the eye, found directly behind or within the retina. It reflects light back through the retina, increasing the amount of light the photoreceptors can pick up. This improves night vision in many animals, including nocturnal animals that rely on their eye to hunt at night.

Seems Fitting

I'm superficial, it's all that I know
I'm not sure I've got the strength to begin
To let you see in between all the rest of me
Trapped behind 20 years of skin

I know, I know this intimate disaster
I know, I know that all it takes is time
I know, I know my heart is wrapped in plaster
I know, I know your arms are open wide

Can't let you touch all that's inside
Don't get too close to me
Fon't get to o close to me
Can't let me feel what I can't hide
Don't get too close to me
Don't get too close to me

~ Don't Get Too Close to Me (Beau Bristow)

Thoughts From 9th

Carbon fiber is a material made of fine fibers less than 1/10th of a millimeter in diameter, and composed mostly of carbon atoms. (Hence, it's name carbon fiber.) The atoms are bonded together into microscopic crystals which are then aligned with the axis of the thin fibers - which makes the fiber extraordinarily strong considering it's size. Thousands of these fibers can be wound together to create a yarn, which then can be either used to make fabric, or remain on its own. You can weave intricate patterns.

It can be combined with a plastic resin and molded to create composites* such as carbon fiber reinforced plastic. This is a material known to have a nice high ratio of strength-to-weight. It's wonderful properties, such as extraordinary strength, low weight, and low thermal expansion make it quite popular.


I see much correlation between carbon fiber and myself, however arrogant that may sound.


*"Engineered materials made from two or more constituent materials with significantly different physical or chemical properties which remain separate and distinct on a macroscopic level within the finished structure"...according to the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia.

When I Reach The Other Side

There are only a few things getting me by. It's obviously been a rough week for all of us, as if the world has it out for everyone at the same time. Torturing us with minute pains until we can't stand it anymore...and we all want to go home.

Home for me is now at my father's house. It's pretty house on a river, just off the Chesapeake Bay, with lovely front and back yards and a pier. With wooden decks and clean carpet. You can see the city across the water, tiny yet clear. It's weird that I can officially call it home because I've never lived with my father or my sisters before. I'll have a car and work to drive to every morning and not much to do at night. I'll be forty-five minutes away from all of my gradeschool friends, but that'll be okay. I'll get as much sunshine as I can. I'll get to decorate my room with everything I bring home.

My sister's won't like my music but I'll play it anyway. Maybe I'll even get plants for the window, to keep the room alive.

It will be alright.

I have to keep saying that.

And when the summer is over, I'll pack up my things and move back to Iowa again. It's a path you follow, to and from a place, over and over again...a path you take for granted. One day it's gone and you don't have to go anywhere and you will begin to feel stuck.

I hope I always have somewhere to go.

Curiosity Kills The Cat

I know you're still talking to each other.

And truthfully, I never believed you anyways.

Biggest Bluest Hi-Fi

Pen & Notebook by Camera Obscura

You saved for a bass guitar.
You knew you'd made a mistake when you first saw Marr.
With your pen and notebook, you've blown me away.
It's the smallest words we cannot say.

Your favorite color is that of red wine.
Which brings me around to your favorite pastime.
With your pen and notebook, you've blown me away,
and I won't be blamed for not feeling the same.

Are the stars out tonight
from the Southside?
Oh, the prettiest side.

Will you stumble or fall tonight?
Are you watching,
wrapped up cozy and tight?

We are not the same.
We are not the same.

If I Stand Perfectly Still

Today was one of the longest days of my life. It happened to be one of those days I spend entirely in the theatre. So it went something like this: Call, Matei's show The Actor's Nightmare, Nathan's show Riders to the Sea, call, house management for final performance of Arcadia, strike for Arcadia, dinner, sleep.

I imagine the way my body hurts is equivalent to what it feels like to get mauled by a bear.

(Note: Strike wasn't so bad really. I was fortunate enough to have you on my side.)

Good News

Back in the day, I entered a short story into the Associated Colleges of the Midwest Nick Adam's Short Story Contest. Today, via email, I found out that I won Honorable Mention. (They think I'm a man. Hilarious.) My favorite part? Audrey Niffenegger of The Time Traveler's Wife said my story was “an ambitious, clever piece with many moving parts, a real juggling act. The writer has a relaxed, wry voice that made the story very pleasurable.”

Well, that's all for now. Over and out.

Some Words From 8th Floor

I suppose I should say a bit about the past 24 hours, which are also known as the 'horrible, terrible, no-good-day'. It has been interesting to say the least.

• Went to the Three Days of Rain callback.
• Came back and found out our ceiling is leaking. Security and Physical Plant came. Wasn't fixed. Slept in my room anyways.
• Woke up and made it to design a little late. Plumber came to my room to fix the broken pipe.
• Found out I didn't get cast. Got lots of text messages that made me feel better.
• Went to work and found out Amelie had to go to the hospital for a burn. Went to the hospital to keep her company.
• Left the hospital with her and found out we had been locked out of our room. Had to call security and made a man let us in for free because of our horrible, terrible, no-good-day.
• Got amazing tulips from Johnny. (Amelie got potted violets. See photo.)
• Went to Riders to the Sea rehearsal.
• Went to The Actor's Nightmare rehearsal.
• Came back to Murray and realized I had no homework. Now I'm in Dylan's room watching the boys play Halo live. On Dylan's computer blogging because I'm a little bored.
• Thinking about how I have to wake up at 7 in the morning tomorrow to be ready for the 8 o'clock call for the high school viewing of Arcadia.
• Thinking about the beautiful tulips.
• Thinking about how I need to learn all of my lines for all of the shows I'm in because they open on Saturday.
• Thinking about how after Saturday and Sunday, my life is going to be super easy-breezy.
• Thinking about Baltimore and how not-so-far away it is.
• Thinking about how glad I am that I got a summer job.

Well. That's all for now.

Karma's a Bitch

Interesting how these things work.

You're mean once in your life, and the ceiling of your room caves in and rain water floods your bed. Fantastic.

Anyways, yesterday was the audition for Three Days of Rain and today was the callbacks. No idea how they went. Really just don't know.

Then Kiss Me

"What power has love but forgiveness?
In other words
by its intervention
what has been done
can be undone.
What good is it otherwise?"

- William Carlos Williams



We'll be okay. I feel it in my bones.

Interesting, Charles

http://laceandlilac.tumblr.com/

Way fun. (Not a permanent move. More like an extension.)

It's Far Too Easy To Lose The Remote

I hope my children are born with internal Rewind Buttons.

That way they will always have the perfect comebacks.

Writing Stories Set In Space

You know what's extremely difficult? When you have to memorize two plays in less than a week. Especially when one of them is a modern comedy and the other was written in 190whatever and has to be done in an Irish accent. AND, on top of all of that, we are going into tech week for Arcadia, I'm behind in Design and Topics homework, and I have an Environment exam and a Directing scene on Friday. Not to mention the fact that I'm broke, I'm ill, and I'm extraordinarily tired (despite the frequent nap time).

On a good note:
1. No class tomorrow
2. John is having a good hair day
3. It's almost Flunk Day
4. It's almost the end of the semester
5. It's almost time for bed

Beard Kisses (Hurt)

Things I'm looking forward to (happening eventually):

1. Chicago
2. Zion
3. Canada
4. Colorado
5. Ocean City
6. New York

It has been the nicest weekend, spent mostly in bed. A lovely weekend, indeed.

Maybe I'll End Up That Way

Things I don't have:

1. An Irish brogue.
2. A car.
3. Plans for the summer.
4. Sleep deprivation.
5. A job.
6. The new Decemberists CD.
7. A roommate for next year.
8. Money for a haircut.
9. Patience.
10. A coat for this weather.

I'm Good For Inspiration, Aren't I?

You probably don't read this. Or perhaps you may. If you do, I'm not even sure you'd know it was for you. But in any case, I believe you should know that you can only pine for so long before you have to let go. (You can do better anyways...whatever the hell that means.)

On another note...I used men's body wash on my face and now I smell amazing. Yes.

Big News

I wish I had more things to say, however, I am grumpy.

1. Learned how to drive manual at 4 in the morning and only stalled out once.
2. Applied to work at a girls sleep-away camp in Maine called Wyonegonic.
3. Accepted to Ohio State.

Sing Song

Wrote a song. Back to packing.

Ain't No Northern Lights

The things I miss most about Baltimore are 1.) the amazing weather and 2.) the little rows of houses. Went for a walk today. Pictures of everything ensued. These houses are three blocks away from mine. (Mine's yellow in case you were curious.)

Written Before Dinner

You say that when people ask questions, when people talk shit, you stand up for me. When you see me in public you are 'respectful', as if you have any reason not to be. As if I shouldn't expect respect for you and as if I don't deserve it.

These things constitute you as a good friend? I don't believe that's quite right. Maybe a good person, but not a good friend.

Sometimes I find excuses to see you. To give you music or to shoot the shit. And you come over and there we are making awkward and clunky conversation, and all is fine and well and then you leave. And then I'm alone and there's a lot that I probably should have said and probably would have if I had wanted to start trouble. Because there's always trouble and I somehow seem to start it.

But, in my opinion, being a good friend is more than being respectful. Sometimes friends can't respect each other and they tell each other that and it's beautiful. Friendship is about making each other better people and if that means being honest, than so be it. When I consider who my closest friends are, I can't say that they are the nicest people I know. At least, not 100 percent of the time. But I can say that they are always there - through hell and high water. They're there when I'm grouchy and they've seen me at my best.

But most importantly, they are there no matter what. Even if I haven't asked them to be. No questions asked. No second thoughts.

Can you say that's true about you? Can you say your respect is as genuine as this sort of devotion? I have expectations. You're definitely right about that. Maybe this isn't good enough, but I don't want anything else.

To be completely fair and honest, I can't say that I've tried my hardest to be a good friend. I know what my best is and I haven't given it, not to you, nor do I feel comfortable doing so yet.

Dilate

"Life used to be life-like. Now it's more like show-biz. I wake up in the night and I don't know where the bathroom is and I don't know what town I'm in or what sky I'm under and I wake up in the darkness and I don't have the will anymore to wonder. Everyone has a skeleton and a closet to keep it in and you're mine. Every song has a you. A you that the singer sings to and you're it this time, baby. You're it this time." - Ani Difranco (Dilate)

If I was to write you a letter

Sometimes it feels like the only thing holding my ripcage closed is an old shoelace.

White Lake, NY

It's incredibly easy to find something that makes you happy. Therefore, I don't have much to complain about these days. I really like chocolate, night-time fan sounds, writing and recording stupid songs, socks and handwritten letters.

Herm. Shnuggles.

Staighten Out Some Question Marks

Well, here's a picture that I took with my phone in the Cedar Rapids airport. I was clearly bored, but I like it because it reminds me of going home. Anyways - It's been quite a day my friends. A day full of sickness. However, I should be getting a package tomorrow. Ah, snail mail. And, to top it off, I don't have class until 1:00! Oh yes.

What's Not Fun

There's always that moment when you say, "Hey! I've had too much to drink!"



But by that point it's too late.



Damn.

A Three In The Morning Thought

Something I thought about today.

No matter how many times you're in a show, the pre-show jitters always make you question why you've decided to act in the first place.

There I was tonight, not knowing anyone in the audience, standing backstage and trying not to pee my pants. And then it was my cue to enter and all of my lines erased from my mind. Then I was on stage, sitting and it was too late and I just wanted to run off sobbing while thinking about choosing another major. But then the lines came to me like they always have. And the audience disappeared and it was just Matt and I on stage in a little restaurant making small talk. Wonderful how it happens, really.

After the show, John, Karin and I went to Casey's and got some munchies and then played a round of pool. During which, Ethan and Hulk called and begged us to go to Taco Bell with them. Before hand, there were shots and John was absolutely hilarious. And then the Taco Bell was delicious (even though we had already had munchies) and Andrew came by and there was crazy talk and a lot of, "Well, feel MY abs!"

And then we all were at the BSEO house dancing and being ridiculous whilst drinking some brew and then John and I left and here I am in my room, writing a stupid post about almost nothing at all.

Friday the 13th was officially (or not so officially) two months. Some days it feels like we've just met and some days it feels like we've known each other forever.

If there's anything I've learned in the past year, it's to a.) let go, b.) make peace, and c.) cry whenever the hell you feel like it because it's good for you.

All The Bitches On Me

Took this with my camera phone while bored at work.
Some people here are mega bitches.
I'm getting a cold.
I'm in a Grateful Dead mood.
I want to go to the Sasquatch Music Festival.
I can't wait for spring break.
I can't wait for Valentine's Day wine and cake.
I can't wait for Matt's show to be over.
I wish my play analysis was already finished.
I'm starved.
I'm especially lucky to have my lover, Noodles.

how dulce to vive occult to mortal eyes

• I miss London. (Hence, the ridiculously old photograph.)
• Outside is absolutely beautiful. A walk would be amazing.
• Sometime last night I bit my lip.
• I gave Addie a lap dance and it was hilarious.
• I love the songs Earth to Bella and Oil and Water by Incubus.
• Pink eye is going around. I'm concerned and a little nervous.
• Pibb zero is revolting but it's all I have to drink.
• My phone works again.
• John and I are working on a new song. An original that spawned from my horrible guitar playing.
• I'm almost finished the application for a themed house. Yeah! (We're still looking for another person.)
• Bonnaroo tickets are ON SALE.

I Was A Pirate

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how I'd like to be creative. Haven't done much about it, minus spending the time to record this nugget of a good song with John. It's a cover of 9 Crimes by Damien Rice. Enjoy.

In The Bushes

Some relatively cool things:

1. I slept through all of my classes today. (And lunch. Bummer)
2. I applied for a job at St. Lukes from the computers at work. I was really bored.
3. I mourned the fact that I ate all of the white candy hearts and began consuming the purple ones.
4. I get homemade LASAGNA and ROOT BEER FLOATS in the writing center in 15 minutes!
5. I miss my camera.
6. I have been without a cell phone for over a week. I do not miss it.
7. I am buying my tickets for BONNAROO in 3 days.
8. I am getting better at playing pool.
9. I am also getting better at drawing. Not good enough to post examples, however. I am considering taking an art class next semester.
10. Valentines Day is soon. Argh.

It's A Small Crime

If I hadn't of met him, I probably would have gone back to you.

It's always interesting to think of what might have been.

Tie Dyed

In the past few days I have become particularly fond of dead plants, nosebleeds and waking up to him.

You Are My Center When I Spin Away

Things I've done this week:

1. Ran 3.25 miles.
2. Took a great shower.
3. Went to every single one of my classes AND work.
4. Wrote two stories.
5. Sketched two still lifes. (Wow.)
6. Listened to lots of great music.
7. Raged.
8. Called OSU to follow up on my application.
9. Felt a little less sick.
10. Did my laundry.

I feel a bit accomplished.

So What's The Problem?

"Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate." ~Germaine Greer

Nightfall

I don't know how to write anymore.

Back From Hiatus

After a long week of hosting, John is on his way home and I'm packing for Iowa. It's strange how time can feel so heavy sometimes and so lightweight others. Here's a picture I took from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial of the Reflecting Pool, National Mall and Washington Monument. I chose the perfect day to take the train into Washington. Beautiful, sunny and relatively warm with very little traffic and tourists. The Metro was easier to maneuver than I remember. I wish we had more time to spend in the galleries but there was only so much.

Enough rambling about that. It's been a good week and the last thing I want to do is blab. I do believe, however, it's time for a nap.

Little Yellow Tags On Every One

There's something about cleaning that's always so charming. Maybe it's the awesome cleaning playlists you listen to. Perhaps it's the journals, photographs and concert tickets from years past that you find. Or maybe the charm is there in the moment you finish. You step back to take a look at your art. You nod. You lay down in the newly made bed, the blanket all the way from Arizona. You nap. You wake up to slighly messier covers. It's nice. I'm a fan.

Anyways. Here's a little about my day (in a list, of course):

1. I woke up early to a call from an old friend.
2. I showered, got dressed and head off to the dump to do a bit of recycling.
3. I took my drivers test and passed with flying colors.
4. I ate some cheesy tots and enjoyed it.
5. I hung out with previously mentioned old friend. We looked at old photos and notes and tickets (found while cleaning). We ate homemade pizza. We (I) drove to JHU's bookstore which doubles as a Barnes and Noble and bought some books of fiction. We parted ways.
6. I made plans.
7. I was forced to cancel plans.
8. I cleaned floors to no avail.
9. I made more plans.
10. I am still waiting. Few hours left. I'm a tad bit worried about the weather. Let's hope for the best.
    

Some Kind of Laundry Line

"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get." -Mark Twain

Every Morning I Wake Up With Fuzz In My Beard

I miss this. However, tomorrow I get my license and Tuesday I get my Partner In Crime. Huzzah!