Written Before Dinner

You say that when people ask questions, when people talk shit, you stand up for me. When you see me in public you are 'respectful', as if you have any reason not to be. As if I shouldn't expect respect for you and as if I don't deserve it.

These things constitute you as a good friend? I don't believe that's quite right. Maybe a good person, but not a good friend.

Sometimes I find excuses to see you. To give you music or to shoot the shit. And you come over and there we are making awkward and clunky conversation, and all is fine and well and then you leave. And then I'm alone and there's a lot that I probably should have said and probably would have if I had wanted to start trouble. Because there's always trouble and I somehow seem to start it.

But, in my opinion, being a good friend is more than being respectful. Sometimes friends can't respect each other and they tell each other that and it's beautiful. Friendship is about making each other better people and if that means being honest, than so be it. When I consider who my closest friends are, I can't say that they are the nicest people I know. At least, not 100 percent of the time. But I can say that they are always there - through hell and high water. They're there when I'm grouchy and they've seen me at my best.

But most importantly, they are there no matter what. Even if I haven't asked them to be. No questions asked. No second thoughts.

Can you say that's true about you? Can you say your respect is as genuine as this sort of devotion? I have expectations. You're definitely right about that. Maybe this isn't good enough, but I don't want anything else.

To be completely fair and honest, I can't say that I've tried my hardest to be a good friend. I know what my best is and I haven't given it, not to you, nor do I feel comfortable doing so yet.